Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #171

    Rachel decides to do some shopping at and manages to persuade her husband Moishe to join her. After 2 hours of looking around one women's clothes

    store after another, Rachel suddenly realises that Moishe is no longer with her. So she calls him on his cell phone to see 'what's what.'

    "So where are you?" she angrily asks Moishe. "I thought we were shopping together."

    "Don't get broyges, darling," replies Moishe. "Do you remember the jewellery shop by the escalator in the middle of the mall, the one we spent time in last

    year and where we saw a lovely gold necklace for you but which was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy and where I said I would get it for you one

    day?"

    "Yes, of course I do, darling" replies Rachel excitedly. "Why do you ask?"

    "Well I'm in the Cafe next door to that jewellery store eating an ice cream."
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  2. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #172

    Little Moishie Rosenberg was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

    Then he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

    "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

    He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

    The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

    Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

    "Wow!" little Moishie exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world."

    This my friends is how you make lemonade out of lemons
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  3. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #173

    Cowboy Named Fred
    A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across four entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'


    The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:

    'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.' Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.


    Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

    Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?'

    'Fred,' the cowboy moaned. 'Where ya from, Fred?' asked the Ranger.

    With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, .....the balcony...
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  4. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #174

    Nice ones Lady.
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  5. Posts : 53,663
    Windows 10 Home x64
    Thread Starter
       #175

    Layback Bear said:
    Nice ones Lady.


    A Guy
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  6. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #176

    For those in the knowing.....


    For the WWII generation, this will bring back memories. For the younger folks, it's a bit of trivia that is a part of our American history. Anyone born in the teens, twenties, and mid-thirties, is familiar with Kilroy.

    So who the heck was Kilroy?

    In 1946 the American Transit Association, through its radio program, "Speak to America ," sponsored a nationwide contest to find the real Kilroy, offering a prize of a real trolley car to the person who could prove himself to be the genuine article. Almost 40 men stepped forward to make that claim, but only James Kilroy from Halifax, Massachusetts, had evidence of his identity.

    Kilroy was a 46-year old shipyard worker during the war who worked as a checker at the Fore River Shipyard in Quincy . His job was to go around and check on the number of rivets completed. Riveters were on piecework and got paid by the rivet. He would count a block of rivets and put a check mark in semi-waxed lumber chalk, so the rivets wouldn't be counted twice. When Kilroy went off duty, the riveters would erase the mark. Later on, an off-shift inspector would come through and count the rivets a second time, resulting in double pay for the riveters.

    One day Kilroy's boss called him into his office. The foreman was upset about all the wages being paid to riveters, and asked him to investigate. It was then he realized what had been going on. The tight spaces he had to crawl in to check the rivets didn't lend themselves to lugging around a paint can and brush, so Kilroy decided to stick with the waxy chalk. He continued to put his checkmark on each job he inspected, but added KILROY WAS HERE in king-sized letters next to the check, and eventually added the sketch of the chap with the long nose peering over the fence and that became part of the Kilroy message.

    Once he did that, the riveters stopped trying to wipe away his marks.

    Ordinarily the rivets and chalk marks would have been covered up with paint. With the war on, however, ships were leaving the Quincy Yard so fast that there wasn't time to paint them. As a result, Kilroy's inspection "trademark" was seen by thousands of servicemen who boarded the troopships the yard produced.

    His message apparently rang a bell with the servicemen, because they picked it up and spread it all over Europe and the South Pacific. Before war's end, "Kilroy" had been here, there, and everywhere on the long hauls to Berlin and Tokyo.

    To the troops outbound in those ships, however, he was a complete mystery; all they knew for sure was that someone named Kilroy had "been there first." As a joke, U.S. servicemen began placing the graffiti wherever they landed, claiming it was already there when they arrived.

    Kilroy became the U.S. super-GI who had always "already been" wherever GIs went. It became a challenge to place the logo in the most unlikely places imaginable (it is said to be atop Mt. Everest , the Statue of Liberty, the underside of l'Arc De Triomphe, and even scrawled in the dust on the moon).

    As the war went on, the legend grew. Underwater demolition teams routinely sneaked ashore on Japanese-held islands in the Pacific to map the terrain for coming invasions by U.S. troops (and thus were the first GI's there). On one occasion, however, they reported seeing Japanes troops painting over the Kilroy logo!

    In 1945, an outhouse was built for the exclusive use of Roosevelt, Stalin, and Churchill at the Potsdam conference. Its' first occupant was Stalin, who emerged and asked his aide (in Russian), "Who is Kilroy?"

    To help prove his authenticity in 1946, James Kilroy brought along officials from the shipyard and some of the riveters. He won the trolley car, which he gave to his nine children as a Christmas gift and set it up as a playhouse in the Kilroy front yard in Halifax, Massachusetts .

    So, now you know!
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  7. Posts : 632
    windows 7 x64 Home Premium
       #177

    I always wondered where the "Kilroy was here" thing came from. Thanks Mr. & Mrs. Wolves.
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  8. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #178

    Thank you Mr. and Mrs Wolves. Kilroy would be welcome to my home.
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  9. Posts : 3,187
    Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
       #179

    Layback Bear said:
    Thank you Mr. and Mrs Wolves. Kilroy would be welcome to my home.
    He'd probably tag your fence with his wax chalk.
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  10. Posts : 53,663
    Windows 10 Home x64
    Thread Starter
       #180

    Jokes Thread [3]-220px-kroysquare.jpg

    A Guy
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