Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1851

    Wrong Way

    Scott and Glenn were working on a house. While nailing down siding Glenn would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

    Scott, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

    Glenn explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

    Scott got completely upset and yelled, "You idiot! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
      My Computer


  2. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1852

    Rear View

    My nephew works at a copy shop that provides a variety of computer services. Once, a customer brought in a snapshot he had taken of the front of his house.

    "Would you scan this picture onto a computer screen"? he asked my nephew.

    "Then rotate it 180 degrees. I need a photo of the back of my house."
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #1853

    Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth , Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

    Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

    Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

    If you smiled while reading this, please rise to the occasion and pass it on to someone having a crumby day and kneading a lift.
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  4. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1854

    Cut Off

    A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink. Sorry the bartender but you obviously already had a little to much to drink.

    Fuming mad the drunk walks out the front door and walks into the side door. “Can I have a drink please.”

    “Sorry” the bartender says “but you can’t have a drink here.”

    The drink walks out and goes in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink.”

    “Enough!” The bartender screamed “I told You No Drinks!”

    The Drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaimed “Darn! how many bars you work at?”
      My Computer


  5. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #1855

    TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES


    Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.
    Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

    The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

    The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist and then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

    Why the different treatment for the two patients?



    The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
    The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

    Next time take me to a vet!
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1856

    This is no joke, it is true !
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #1857

    The Howling Wolves said:
    TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES


    Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.
    Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

    The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

    The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist and then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

    Why the different treatment for the two patients?



    The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
    The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

    Next time take me to a vet!
    COMPUTIAC said:
    This is no joke, it is true !
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1858

    Ol' Sniffer

    A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

    The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

    The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

    'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

    The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

    He told Sniffer to 'search'.

    Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

    Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

    The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number
    and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

    'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

    Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

    The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

    The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

    'I like it!' said his seat mate.

    The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

    Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

    The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman,
    'What's going on?'

    The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb'
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  9. Posts : 9,747
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit sp1
       #1859

    : Excellent joke.
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #1860

    This is a story about 4 people, named Every Bugger, Some Bugger, Any Bugger and No Bugger. One day, there was a job that needed doing, and Some Bugger was asked to do it, Every Bugger was sure Some Bugger would do it, but No Bugger did it. Every Bugger got angry because it was Some Bugger’s job. No Bugger realised that Any Bugger could have done it. It ended up with Every Bugger blaming Some Bugger and No Bugger doing what Any Buggger could have done.


    Am sure I've worked with these people.
      My Computer


 

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