Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1881

    A man received the following text from his neighbor:


    I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
    I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.


    The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.


    A few moments later, a second text came in:


    Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
      My Computer


  2. Posts : 53,666
    Windows 10 Home x64
    Thread Starter
       #1882

    Good one M'Lady

    A Guy
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #1883

    I like it Lady Plink.
    That damn auto correct.
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 9,747
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit sp1
       #1884

    Telephone ringing & answered by a young girl.
    “Hello”
    “Hello sweetie, its Daddy here”
    “Hi Daddy”
    “Sweetie, is Mummy there”
    “Mummy is upstairs with Uncle Bob”
    “But you don’t have an Uncle Bob”
    “Well that’s what she said”
    “OK Sweetie, would you go upstairs & tell Mummy that Daddy is leaving work early & he will home very soon”
    “OK Daddy, hang on”
    After quite some minutes.
    “Daddy I went upstairs & told Mummy what you said & there was a scream, then some loud voices & a lot movement, then it all went quiet, so I opened your bedroom door & saw Mummy lying on the floor. I think she must have fallen over & hit her head on the corner of the dressing table & she is not moving. I couldn’t find Uncle Bob so I looked out the window & saw him lying on the bottom of the swimming pool & he isn’t moving either.”
    “But Sweetie we don’t have a swimming pool”
    “Yes we do Daddy, you emptied it last weekend so it can be repaired”
    “Is that 555 4276”
    “No it’s 555 4267”
    Click.
      My Computer


  5. Posts : 82
    Windows 8.1 Pro x86 (Temporary)
       #1885

    Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them

    > 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it..
    >
    > 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
    >
    > 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    >
    > 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
    >
    > 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
    >
    > 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
    >
    > 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    >
    > 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
    >
    > 9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
    >
    > 10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
    >
    > 11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
    >
    > 12. You do not need a parachute to skydive; you only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    >
    > 13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
    >
    > 14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
    >
    > 15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    >
    > 16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
    >
    > 17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1886

    Yes, our grandmothers still had genuine knowledge of staying naturally healthy!!!
    My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge:

    “For better digestion, I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, with low blood pressure, red wine, with high blood pressure, cognac and whenever I have a cold, I drink Vodka.”

    “And when do you drink water?”

    “I have never been that sick!”
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 10,485
    W7 Pro SP1 64bit
       #1887

    Where there's a will, there's a way.
    But Howard Hughes proved:
    Where there is a way, there is a will.
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #1888

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Yes, our grandmothers still had genuine knowledge of staying naturally healthy!!!
    My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge:

    “For better digestion, I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, with low blood pressure, red wine, with high blood pressure, cognac and whenever I have a cold, I drink Vodka.”

    “And when do you drink water?”

    “I have never been that sick!”
    Thank you Lady.
    I emailed that to some friends I know will enjoy it.
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1889

    Thanks.. feel free to share whatever i post.
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1890


    WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS:




    I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a Newspaper.



    "This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on Newspapers.
    Here, use my iPad."




    I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.
      My Computer


 

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