Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 4,566
    Windows 10 Pro
       #1901

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
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  2. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1902

    WOW... that's worse then asking a Blonde anything ...
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  3. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1903

    Dear Cats and Dogs,

    When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note - placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything larger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

    Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit trough the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

    The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's behind. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

    Thank you.
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  4. Posts : 21,007
    Desk1 7 Home Prem / Desk2 10 Pro / Main lap Asus ROG 10 Pro 2 laptop Toshiba 7 Pro Asus P2520 7 & 10
       #1904

    andrew129260 said:
    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
    Heard this before but such a great few liner
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  5. Posts : 1,606
    Windows `10 Professional 64bit
       #1905

    Fred is snoozing
    Jokes Thread [3] Attached Images Jokes Thread [3]-fredii_newbed3.jpg 
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  6. Posts : 54,146
    Windows 10 Home x64
    Thread Starter
       #1906

    Jesus is watching you...

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

    "Jesus is watching you."

    Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

    "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

    "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird.

    "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

    "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

    A Guy
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  7. Posts : 1,568
    Windows 8.1.1 64bit
       #1907

    Almost time to go to the dog house for the nite !
    Jokes Thread [3] Attached Images Jokes Thread [3]-dog-jammies.png 
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  8. Posts : 1,606
    Windows `10 Professional 64bit
       #1908

    Cute.:)
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  9. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #1909

    Continued:
    Jokes Thread [4]


    No sex after surgery ...




    A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard,

    has sued St Luke's Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there,

    he lost all interest in sex.





    A hospital spokesman replied ...

    "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."
    Last edited by Airbot; 08 Mar 2014 at 18:47.
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