Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 7,730
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
       #201

    Although it's rather wicked I can't stop smiling at this one.

    Just after the Japanese tsunami a young man opened a new restaurant.

    When asked how trade was and how many customers he was getting he replied: "Trade's fine. The customers are flooding in!"
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  2. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #202

    Sex and Good Grammar
    On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

    After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

    The medicine man handed a potion to him and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned: “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’” When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”
    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”
    “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
    He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
    When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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  3. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #203

    Never Jump to conclusions !!!‏

    After finishing her shift as a nurse ..... A wife ... comes home late at night
    and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
    From under the blanket
    she sees four legs instead of two!
    She reaches for a baseball bat
    and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
    Once she's done,
    she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
    As she enters,
    she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
    "Hi sweetheart," he says,
    "your parents have come to visit us,
    so I let them stay in our bedroom.


    Did you say hello to them" ?
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  4. Posts : 5,405
    Windows 7 Ultimate 64bit SP1
       #204

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Never Jump to conclusions !!!‏

    After finishing her shift as a nurse ..... A wife ... comes home late at night
    and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
    From under the blanket
    she sees four legs instead of two!
    She reaches for a baseball bat
    and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
    Once she's done,
    she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
    As she enters,
    she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
    "Hi sweetheart," he says,
    "your parents have come to visit us,
    so I let them stay in our bedroom.


    Did you say hello to them" ?
    Oops!
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  5. Posts : 208
    Windows 7 64 bit
       #205

    From the depths of the crypt at St Giles
    Came a scream that resounded for miles
    Said the Vicar, "Good Gracious,
    Has Father Ignatius
    Forgotten the Bishop has piles"
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  6. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #206

    As we are all getting older, I would like to inform my friends on new acronyms so we can understand each other.

    ATD – at the doctor

    BFF – best friend fell

    BTW – bring the wheel chair

    BYOT – bring your own teeth

    FWIW – forgot where I was

    LMDO – laughing my dentures out

    ROFLACGU – rolling on the floor laughing and can’t get up

    TTML – talk to me louder

    T4M – time 4 meds

    PMA – pissed myself again

    SHTTF – shouldn’t have trusted that fart
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  7. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #207

    There were two nuns

    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

    and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

    A little while later...

    SM: It's not working.

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty…………………

    Say two Hail Marys!
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  8. Posts : 7,730
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
       #208

    TTFN - ta ta for now

    ASMZF - anyone seen my zimmer frame

    WMCOT - where's my cup of tea

    PAAF - pissed as a fart

    YRN - your round next

    SILD, IFITD - sorry I'm late dear, I fell in the ditch

    WFT - what's for supper

    ACOYBROT - any chance of you being ready on time

    YTFTWU - your turn for the washing up

    IDSYMIAOC - I didn't say your mother is an old crone
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  9. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #209

    A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

    He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
    There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

    "Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
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  10. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #210

    Howling Wolves; she must of been English.
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