Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 7,730
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
       #221

    Whan an Irish astronaut was told his mission to send a manned spacecraft to the Sun was doomed to failure because the spaceship would be burned to a frazzle he replied; "We've thought of that one. We're going at night-time when it's dark."
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  2. Posts : 7,730
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
       #222

    On a lighter note, there was an article in today's Daily Mail, which reported that scientists have designed and built a computer that can read your thoughts.

    They're too late. My wife's been reading mine from the day we got married.
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  3. Posts : 17,545
    Windows 10 Pro x64 EN-GB
       #223

    Kari said:
    This should be told with a heavy Irish accent:

    A wealthy British gentleman drives his Bentley along a small and quiet road near Liverpool. Paddy has come from Ireland with a ferry to Liverpool and is now walking, trying to hitch-hike to London to see his brother.

    The gentleman sees Paddy and thinks this road is so quiet that man is never getting a ride, here's no traffic. So as a real philanthropist he stops and gives Paddy a ride.

    After some introductions Paddy asks "How'd you get this nice car?"
    The gentleman: "I work for Cunard as a manager, they pay me quite well."
    Paddy: "I've worked f***'n'ard all my life and still can't afford a Bentley!"
    (Old joke from over two years ago, from the first Jokes thread.)
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  4. Posts : 6,669
    Windows 7 x64
       #224

    This one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my butt and played the national anthem.



    This statement is best used while making eye contact for increased effect.
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  5. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #225

    Maguscreed said:
    This one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my butt and played the national anthem...

    ...I placed second in the talent show that year. I never understood why I was never asked back to band camp.
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  6. Posts : 632
    windows 7 x64 Home Premium
       #226

    Hopalong X said:
    Maguscreed said:
    This one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my butt and played the national anthem...

    ...I placed second in the talent show that year. I never understood why I was never asked back to band camp.
    You should've used your own flute.
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  7. Posts : 3,187
    Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
       #227

    stevieray said:
    You should've used your own flute.
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  8. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
       #228

    Maguscreed said:
    This one time at band camp I stuck a flute in my butt and played the national anthem.



    This statement is best used while making eye contact for increased effect.
    I really didn't need to know that.

    Jim
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  9. Posts : 14,606
    Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium 64-bit 7600
       #229

    Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

    "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like
    you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing
    comes out!"

    "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
    can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the
    toilet allday and nothin' comes out!"

    "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

    "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year- old.

    "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a
    flat rock; no problem at all."

    "Do you have trouble crapping?"

    "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

    With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
    You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so
    tough about being 80?"

    "I don't wake up until 7:00."
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  10. Posts : 17,545
    Windows 10 Pro x64 EN-GB
       #230

    During the WWII there was widely spread rumors circulating among the servicemen in Finland that the army was adding bromine to their food. That was called a "brake", "braking" the men, making their sexual lust to disappear thus making it easier for them to stay in service, away from wives and girlfriends. At least people thought bromine would do this.

    Now, some 65+ years after the war, two Finnish veterans were sitting on a park bench in Finland, talking about the subject.
    - "Do you remember those stories about army adding bromine to our food during the war?"
    - "Yes, why do you ask?"
    - "I think the story is true. It's just that it seems it did not work as they wanted, it did not work immediately but after some time."
    - "You got any evidence?"
    - "Yes. I've noticed lately my wife does not excite me anymore sexually."
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