Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #341

    A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

    The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
    The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
    The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
    The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
    The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
    A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

    The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'
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  2. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #342

    A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The young produce
    assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man
    persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager
    about it.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out
    there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'

    As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
    behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
    the other half.'

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.



    Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
    yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
    their feet here.

    Where are you from, son?'

    'Liverpool, sir,' the boy replied.

    'Well, why did you leave Liverpool?' the manager asked.

    The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up
    there.'

    'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool.'

    'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'
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  3. Posts : 3,168
    Windows 10 64bit
       #343

    panais said:
    pebbly said:
    The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

    "No way, no needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

    The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

    "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

    The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

    "No objection" the patient says. "I'm fine with pills"

    The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

    The patient says, "Wow", I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"

    "It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold onto
    When I pull your tooth."
    LMAO that one is good
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  4. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #344

    Britton30 emailed me this. I did not see it posted so here it is.


    This says it all...about getting older & the whole aging thing.

    An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

    It said, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

    He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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  5. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #345

    This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
    "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
    are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
    clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
    housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
    to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

    Damn, this is a great country.
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  6. Posts : 53,795
    Windows 10 Home x64
    Thread Starter
       #346

    Adam and Eve

    God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.'

    Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?'

    God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

    Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

    God explained it to him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

    Adam said, 'What's a river?'

    God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

    Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

    So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On the other side of the
    hill you will find a cave.'

    Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

    After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

    Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

    So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

    Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

    God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....' And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

    So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

    Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

    God His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

    And Adam said....


    *

    *

    *

    *


    *

    *

    *

    'What's a headache?'

    A Guy
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  7. Posts : 3,187
    Main - Windows 7 Pro SP1 64-Bit; 2nd - Windows Server 2008 R2
       #347

    AaaaaaaHaaaaaaaHaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

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  8. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #348

    A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
    He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
    The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
    "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
    "Yes," the Labrador replies.
    After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
    The Labrador looks up and says,
    "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping”.
    "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
    I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
    I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals.
    I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
    The man is amazed.
    He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
    "Ten quid," the owner says.
    "£10 ! ! ? … But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
    "Because he's a lying b*****d. He's never been out of the garden."
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  9. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #349

    What do you call a computer that can sing ?

    A Dell


    I'll get my coat
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  10. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #350

    pebbly said:
    What do you call a computer that can sing ?

    A Dell


    I'll get my coat


      My Computer


 
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