New
#351
Jokes Thread [3]
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New #354
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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New #355
Reminds me of the two friends who met while out shopping.
"What are doing here?" asked one of the other.
"Getting a HD TV for the wife" came the reply.
"Not a bad swap" rejoined his friend.
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New #356
Shampoo Warning
I just discovered this important info - I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!
It's the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body,
and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY".
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well!
I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE".
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone... I'll be in the shower!
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New #358
I was out shopping last week and saw that 'Wash & Go' shampoo was on offer so I bought some.
Yep, you've guessed it, I washed my hair and it went.
Now I'm as bald as a coot!!
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New #359
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day after school.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie."
Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mom .....
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New #360
I believe we’ve all experienced these at one time or another.
1.Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity-
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3.Law of Probability-
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4.Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5.Law of the Alibi-
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6.Variation Law-
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7.Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8.Law of Close Encounters-
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
9.Law of the Result-
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
10.Law of Biomechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena -
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are also the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12.The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy’s Law of Lockers -
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14.Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument-
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
16.Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance-
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
17.Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking-
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19.Doctors’ Law-
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
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