Jokes Thread [3]

Reminds me of a true story told by my father-in-law.

Doing WWII he was a paratrooper and fought in Belgium. After the war he took his first commercial flight. When the pilot announce they were getting ready to land the person next to him asked if this was his first flight as he looked a little nervous. He replied, I have flown over 100 times but this is my first landing. He got a strange look from his fellow passenger.

Jim

What is Irish and stays out all night?
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Patio furniture

A Guy

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's “Employ a Hoodie” scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how
Unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less
Than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew
Could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
Team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
Advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew
Able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds,
They had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8
Cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in
The shower.

Good one Pebbly! xDDD!

Nice one Kathryn

Perhaps posted before, but...

A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together, the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope are a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely, Dick van Dyke

A Guy

A Guy
You realize Dick is going to send Chuck Norris to hunt you down.
Alas, poor A Guy! We new him never heard of him, Chuck.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then,

May be I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shop keeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home,

and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the

creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up? The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled

with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration......

DARN IT--!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!