Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 7,538
    Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit
       #501

    I have a little SatNav
    It sits there in my car
    A SatNav is a driver's friend
    It tells you where you are

    I have a little SatNav
    I've had it all my life
    It does more than the normal one
    My SatNav is my wife

    It gives me full instructions
    On exactly how to drive
    "It's thirty miles an hour" it says
    "And you're doing thirty five"

    It tells me when to stop and start
    And when to use the brake
    And tells me that it's never ever
    Safe to overtake

    It tells me when a light is red
    And when it goes to green
    It seems to know instinctively
    Just when to intervene

    It lists the vehicles just in front
    It lists those to the rear
    And taking this into account
    It specifies my gear

    I'm sure no other driver
    Has so helpful a device
    For when we leave and lock the car
    It still gives its advice

    It fills me up with counselling
    Each journey's pretty fraught
    So why don't I exchange it
    And get a quieter sort?

    Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
    Makes sure I'm properly fed
    It washes all my shirts and things
    and - keeps me warm in bed!

    (author unknown)
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  2. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #502

    Nice one Joan Archer! Lemme find that Robin Williams joke... found it!
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  3. Posts : 710
    Win7 Pro x64
       #503

    "I'm the good kind of bill!"

    Jokes Thread [3]-bill_good.jpg

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  4. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #504

    The Traffic Warden's Funeral.

    As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice from inside the coffin screamed “Im not dead, Im not dead, Let me out !”


    The vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, “ Too effing late pal, the paperwork's already done"
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  5. Posts : 7,730
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
       #505

    That's dead good Pebbly!
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  6. Posts : 7,730
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
       #506

    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Monaghan's flat in Dublin when Sean O'Toole loses all his money on a single hand, stands up, clutches his chest and drops dead.

    Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

    Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'OK, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

    They draw straws. Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one.

    They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.

    'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

    He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.

    Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants.

    Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost all his money and is afraid to come home.'

    'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.'

    'I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.
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  7. Posts : 7,538
    Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit
       #507

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  8. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #508

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  9. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #509

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  10. Posts : 54,134
    Windows 10 Home x64
    Thread Starter
       #510

    Facebook is like prison

    You sit around staring at walls, killing time. And getting hugs from people you don't know.

    A Guy
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