Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 8,476
    Windows® 8 Pro (64-bit)
       #511

    A Guy said:
    Facebook is like prison

    You sit around staring at walls, killing time. And getting hugs from people you don't know.

    A Guy
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  2. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #512

    A Guy said:
    Facebook is like prison

    You sit around staring at walls, killing time. And getting hugs from people you don't know.

    A Guy
    Agreed!
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #513

    A Guy said:
    Facebook is like prison

    You sit around staring at walls, killing time. And getting hugs from people you don't know.

    A Guy
    ... and other unwanted attention.
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #514

    True or not this is funny.

    Just in case you need a laugh:
    Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    *
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    *
    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.
    *
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    *
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    *
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    *
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    *
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.
    *
    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
    *
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    *
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
    *
    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
    *
    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    *
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    *
    And the best one for last
    *
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from the midget.
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  5. Posts : 7,730
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64-Bit
       #515

    As an ex-Fleet Air Arm aircraft maintainer I can identify with every entry in your list.

    How about these gems:

    Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

    Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
    United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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  6. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #516

    The manly sport of golf where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. Where even the blind gay men will go 'OH DEAR CHRIST! Those are allowed this isn't carnival what the **** are you on?' Even the alligators are going A-hole
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #517

    The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

    Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

    'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

    Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

    'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

    Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

    The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

    Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
    'Oh God! I'm coming!'
    If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

    The nun had to leave the room
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  8. Posts : 7,538
    Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit
       #518

    Are you sitting on the naughty step Kathryn.
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  9. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #519

    Joan

    Anywhere Kathryn sits is the naughty step. She is a permanent resident with Dennis.
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 7,538
    Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit
       #520

    I know but I thought I'd just check.
      My Computer


 
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