Jokes Thread [3]

seavixen32 said:

Also for Pebbly, LPT and Joan:

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you flaming idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her bloody husband!"

Nice one Andrew.

Hopalong X said:

For Pebbly, Joan and LPt!

OOOOhhhh OOOOOpppp's.... looks like we are in deep water again.. or is it HOT water ?
lololololo.....::

eMail msg
I am trying to locate the VM manual last seen in Brian's cubicle, which has since disappeared.

eMail Reply:
OMG, is Brian Ok?

This makes me very glad I'm NOT Jewish

WHY JEWISH DAUGHTERS NEED THERAPY

Jewish Mother: "Hello?"
Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"
Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"
Daughter: "Yes."
Jewish Mother: "With whom?"
Daughter: "With a friend"
Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."
Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me"
Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies."
Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? "
Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did, and I don't."
Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at? "
Daughter: "Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."
Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
Daughter: "My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"
Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
Daughter: "He's not a loser."
Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? "
Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."
Daughter: "Such a what?"
Jewish Mother: "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."
Daughter: "ENOUGH!!! "
Jewish Mother "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! "
Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser? "
Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see he IS a loser. I spotted him immediately."
Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."
Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"
Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do expect to meet anyone?

Attachment 213693

Attachment 213697 Guessing I better head over to those steps...now .... lol

I'll be waiting on the front porch !!!

*On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I
will give you a life span of twenty years.*


*
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"


And God said that it was good.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life span."


The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"


And God again said that it was good.


On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you
a life span of sixty years."


The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"


And God agreed it was good.


On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."


But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"


"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."


So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it
as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front
porch.*

LPt

I'm still trying to survive the monkey tricks.

If the ambulance ever arrives to get me off the floor I'll wave to you as they carry me pass the porch.

Was driving through your neighborhood and saw you sitting there...


waiting for LPt to stroll by!
THW

The Howling Wolves said:

Was driving through your neighborhood and saw you sitting there...


waiting for LPt to stroll by!
THW

You're looking good Dennis.

That was you!

I am still looking around for that Hot Tomato!
THW