Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 7,538
    Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit
       #541

    seavixen32 said:
    Also for Pebbly, LPT and Joan:

    A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

    "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

    "No, you flaming idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her bloody husband!"
    Nice one Andrew.
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  2. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #542

    Hopalong X said:
    For Pebbly, Joan and LPt!


    OOOOhhhh OOOOOpppp's.... looks like we are in deep water again.. or is it HOT water ?
    lololololo.....:
    :
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  3. Posts : 6,458
    x64 (6.3.9600) Win8.1 Pro & soon dual boot x64 (6.1.7601) Win7_SP1 HomePrem
       #543

    eMail msg
    I am trying to locate the VM manual last seen in Brian's cubicle, which has since disappeared.

    eMail Reply:
    OMG, is Brian Ok?
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  4. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #544

    This makes me very glad I'm NOT Jewish

    WHY JEWISH DAUGHTERS NEED THERAPY

    Jewish Mother: "Hello?"
    Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"
    Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"
    Daughter: "Yes."
    Jewish Mother: "With whom?"
    Daughter: "With a friend"
    Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."
    Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me"
    Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies."
    Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? "
    Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
    Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did, and I don't."
    Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at? "
    Daughter: "Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."
    Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
    Daughter: "My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"
    Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
    Daughter: "He's not a loser."
    Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
    Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? "
    Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."
    Daughter: "Such a what?"
    Jewish Mother: "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."
    Daughter: "ENOUGH!!! "
    Jewish Mother "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! "
    Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser? "
    Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see he IS a loser. I spotted him immediately."
    Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."
    Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
    Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"
    Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do expect to meet anyone?


    Attachment 213693
    Last edited by LADYPINKtomato1; 07 Feb 2013 at 16:15.
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  5. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #545

    Attachment 213697 Guessing I better head over to those steps...now .... lol
    Last edited by LADYPINKtomato1; 07 Feb 2013 at 16:15.
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  6. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #546

    I'll be waiting on the front porch !!!

    *On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door
    of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I
    will give you a life span of twenty years.*


    *
    The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
    years and I'll give you back the other ten?"


    And God said that it was good.


    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
    do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
    life span."


    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
    time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"


    And God again said that it was good.


    On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
    field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
    and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you
    a life span of sixty years."


    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
    years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"


    And God agreed it was good.


    On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
    and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."


    But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
    twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
    the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"


    "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."


    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
    ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
    family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
    grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
    bark at everyone.


    Life has now been explained to you.


    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it
    as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front
    porch.*
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  7. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #547

    LPt

    I'm still trying to survive the monkey tricks.

    If the ambulance ever arrives to get me off the floor I'll wave to you as they carry me pass the porch.
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  8. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #548

    Was driving through your neighborhood and saw you sitting there...
    Jokes Thread [3]-27430.jpg

    waiting for LPt to stroll by!
    THW
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  9. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #549

    The Howling Wolves said:
    Was driving through your neighborhood and saw you sitting there...
    Jokes Thread [3]-27430.jpg

    waiting for LPt to stroll by!
    THW
    You're looking good Dennis.

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  10. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #550

    Jokes Thread [3]-wolf22dw.gif


    That was you!

    I am still looking around for that Hot Tomato!
    THW
      My Computer


 
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