Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 2,171
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64
       #611

    The Howling Wolves said:
    FYI

    The year was 1947.
    Well, well, well. That, finally, clears it all up!
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  2. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #612

    Thank you Howling Wolves for the research. I believe you are correct or very close to it. I think some of them lied about their DOB just to fool us.
    I would also include Janet Reno in the group, lying about her age. After all they do get the illegal alien votes every election. Keeping in the family as they say.
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  3. Posts : 2,171
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64
       #613

    Trucidation said:
    Nun Other
    How 'bout that. A cold hot nun!
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  4. Posts : 710
    Win7 Pro x64
       #614

    Hee hee... Ok here's another Paddy Special before I kick loose for the weekend.

    Maximum Occupancy

    Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

    A stunned silence descends on the heretofore jovial Scotsmen, and they look at each other in disbelief. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver finally retorts. He grabs a bundle of papers from the glove compartment and proffers them to the officer. "Here, look at the specs: this car is designed to carry five persons."

    "You can not pull that one on me," replies officer Paddy firmly, refusing to even glance at the papers. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car - and you are therefore breaking the law."

    The burliest Scotsman, sitting in the passenger seat beside the driver, leans over and says replies angrily, "Sir, you are an idiot. Please call your supervisor over. We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

    "Sorry," responds Paddy, straightening up and pointing over at another car stopped a little way ahead. "Officer Murphy is busy with those 2 guys in that Fiat Uno."

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  5. Posts : 2,588
    Microsoft Windows 8.1 Pro 64-bit
       #615

    I forget the real names but here goes:

    Juan and Julio were out hunting when suddenly they came upon a long white fence. In surprise, they look down and notice Juan's big toe sticking out of the brush. Mistaking it for a snake, the two quickly reach for their guns when suddenly Julio lets off an ear shattering shot right at the thing. With a scream, Juan yells over at Julio, "Quick, shoot it again, it bit me!"
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  6. Posts : 3,822
    Windows10 Pro - 64Bit vs.10547
       #616
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  7. Posts : 17,322
    Win 10 Pro x64
       #617

    49. Philip: "Who are you?"
    Simon Kelner: "I'm the editor-in-chief of The Independent, Sir."
    Philip: "What are you doing here?"
    Kelner: "You invited me."
    Philip: "Well, you didn't have to come!"
    An exchange at a press reception to mark the Golden Jubilee in 2002.
    He speaks his mind doesn't he. Good stuff.
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  8. Posts : 3,168
    Windows 10 64bit
       #618

    Pretty cheesy and sure someone probably used something similar before but here I go.

    A duck goes in a store and buys some merchandise.The store clerk says would you like to pay with your credit card?The duck says no just put it on my bill.
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  9. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #619

    A Blonde in the Church
    An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

    No one moved.

    The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

    Again all was quiet.

    Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
    traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

    The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared
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  10. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #620

    THE JEWISH MISTRESS

    A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
    restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
    their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says
    she'll see him later and walks away.
    The wife glares at her husband and says,
    "Who was that?"
    "Oh," replies the husband,
    "she's my mistress."
    "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
    want a divorce!"
    "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
    get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
    wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in
    the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
    Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
    his arm.
    "Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.
    "That's his mistress," says her husband.
    "Ours is prettier," she replies.
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