Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #701

    Two Minnesota Engineers

    Sven and Ole, two Minnesota engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

    A Woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

    "Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, " said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

    The woman takes a wrench from her purse, loosens a couple bolts, and lays the pole down on the ground.

    Then takes a tape measure from her pocketbook, takes a measurement and announces, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walks away.

    Ole shakes his head and laughs. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"
    Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.
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  2. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #702

    This is a JOKE.. I do NOT wish to offend anyone.

    The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of a
    4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and
    Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any
    questions.

    An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And, will
    Russia take part in it?"

    The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

    Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

    The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

    Everyone in the audience was shocked.

    A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150 million,
    compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

    The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern
    warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of
    an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few
    wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and
    Israel was always victorious."

    After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the auditorium
    asked,

    "Do we have enough Jews?"
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  3. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #703

    Hopalong X said:
    beauparc said:

    Is everybody clear on that?
    5% of us are clear.

    25%- Clear on what?

    25%- Who is Uncle Jack?

    25%- My uncle has a horse named Jack?

    20%- Someone fell off a horse?


    I'll sure try to keep this in mind when posting....lol
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  4. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #704

    COMPUTERS

    A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
    English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
    '
    'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
    '
    'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
    '
    A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
    '
    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
    groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
    whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
    '
    Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
    '
    The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
    feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:
    '
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
    '
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
    incomprehensible to everyone else;
    '
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
    possible later retrieval; and
    '
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
    half your
    paycheck on accessories for it.
    '
    (THIS GETS BETTER!)
    '
    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
    Masculine
    ('el computador') , because:

    '1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
    '
    2. They have a lot of data but still can't
    think for themselves;
    '
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
    they ARE the problem; and
    '
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
    little longer, you could have gotten a better model..
    '
    The women won!!
    '
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  5. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #705

    Painting The Church





    Painting theChurch
    There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.



    As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

    Smokey put in a bid; and because his price was so low, he got the job.

    So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

    Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.





    Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,

    "Oh, God, Oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?"

    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,



    (you're going to love this)





    "Repaint! Repaint!


    And thin no more!"




    "Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."
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  6. Posts : 710
    Win7 Pro x64
       #706

    Wife or Mistress?

    An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

    The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

    The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

    The engineer said, "I like both."

    "Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison.

    The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done."

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  7. Posts : 710
    Win7 Pro x64
       #707

    Sports Fan

    Three friends were enjoying themselves at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until they noticed an empty seat down in front.

    One of them went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy replied, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead."

    The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.

    "Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral."

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  8. Posts : 1,214
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
       #708

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Painting The Church





    Painting theChurch
    There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.



    As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

    Smokey put in a bid; and because his price was so low, he got the job.

    So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

    Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.





    Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,

    "Oh, God, Oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?"

    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,



    (you're going to love this)





    "Repaint! Repaint!


    And thin no more!"




    "Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."
    Nice one :)

    The way I heard it was like this,

    The Angel of the Lord came to Smokey in his dream and pointing a flaming sword at him, said "Repaint, you thinner!"
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  9. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #709

    This may be a bit offensive but it's just a simple joke:-

    A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:

    If I give you $3million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?

    Secretary: Everything sir!
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  10. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
       #710

    What is sad about a 1958 Buick going over a cliff with 5 Lawyers.





    A 1958 Buick seats 6.

    Jim
      My Computer


 
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