I say, I say, I say..
my mate has a racing snail..
one day, he decided to remove it's shell,
to make it go faster - y'know like more aerodynamic, an' all that..
- didn't work, though..
..it looks more sluggish than ever..
Ten really, REALLY bad jokes. You've been warned!
1. Two blondes walk into a building . . . you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clear wrap for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
4. Patient: Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.
Doc: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
Patient: Is it common?'
Doc: It's not unusual.
5. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down."
"What??? Why??? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
6. What do you call a fish with no eyes? . . . A fsh.
7. I was getting into my car, and this guy says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"
I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go for it."
8. Two fat guys in a bar. One says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
9. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.
10. UK's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. British search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues throughout the day.
A young couple is out carousing one evening.
While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.
When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
Oh sorry, was I supposed to keep this G rated? Hopefully the moderators will forgive me haha
Nah, that's fine. Hilarious :) Here's mine for today:
Golf Gotcha
The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am, to even things a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
Nah, that's fine. Hilarious :) Here's mine for today:
Golf Gotcha
The club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am, to even things a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls, then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
Haha this reminds me of the nitro circus series, only on that I think they called it gobling and when they did it they said "goba goba goble goble goble!"
Sex
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.
His grandfather continued to tell the young fellow that later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year - maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed into her bedroom, and I go to into my bedroom. And she yells, 'F*** You!" And I holler back, "F*** You too'."
One day Steve's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting to her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home.
When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
After an uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think we should spank him."
After having their eleventh child, a redneck couple decided that they had enough children. So the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed the man to go home, light a cherry bomb, put it into a beer can, and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said, "I may not be the smartest guy on the block, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can, and putting it next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor assured the man that the procedure was guaranteed to work.
The man left the doctor's office and when we arrived home, he lit a cherry bomb and put it into a beer can. Then, he held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5." The man paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand...
That just struck my funny bone 