Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #731

    The Final Installment of Feline Physics Laws


    Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

    All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

    Law of Cat Embarrassment

    A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

    Law of Milk Consumption

    A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

    Law of Furniture Replacement

    A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

    Law of Cat Landing

    A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

    Law of Fluid Displacement

    A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

    Law of Cat Disinterest

    A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

    Law of Pill Rejection

    Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

    New entry:-

    Law of Cat Electricity

    C
    ats will claw you when they are laying on your lap; the resulting static electricity that is created can be utlized for many purposes.
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  2. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #732

    Trucidation said:
    You know those styrofoam packaging peanut thingies used to pad boxes?

    1. Abduct neighbour's cat
    2. Rub cat vigorously
    3. Pour those styrofoam peanuts over cat
    4. ????
    5. PROFIT

    Attachment 220089

    Neighbour: *shakes container of cat food* "Here kitty, kit-- OH MY GOD"


    too funny xD
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  3. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #733

    Horses at the Races...


    A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

    The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

    They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

    At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

    The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

    The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''
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  4. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #734

    Installing a Carpet


    A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

    In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

    ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

    As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

    ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''


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  5. Posts : 10,994
    Win 7 Pro 64-bit
       #735

    10 more really, REALLY, REALLY bad jokes.

    What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
    A nervous wreck.

    Where do you find a dog with no legs?
    Right where you left him.

    What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
    Dam!

    Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
    Because it scares the dog.

    What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
    If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

    What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
    Pick a cod, any cod!

    What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
    Breathe, you idiot! BREATHE!

    What's a frog's favorite drink?
    Croaka Cola.

    What did the rude prism say to the light beam that smacked into him?
    Get bent!

    Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
    It was in tents.
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  6. Posts : 53,666
    Windows 10 Home x64
    Thread Starter
       #736

    Truth in advertising Lee

    A Guy
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  7. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #737

    Dogs and Light Bulbs


    How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

    Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

    Rottweiler: Make me!

    Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

    Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

    Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

    Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

    Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

    Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

    Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...

    Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

    Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

    Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

    Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

    Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

    Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

    Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

    Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

    Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

    Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
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  8. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #738

    Pit Bull: Don't worry about a new bulb I ate the lamp... and if the Jack Russell doesn't chill he is next.
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  9. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #739

    Giving Cats Pills


    INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

    4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

    13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
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  10. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #740

    The preacher buys a parrot


    A preacher is buying a parrot.

    "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.

    "Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

    "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

    "Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"

    "I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
      My Computer


 
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