Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #761

    Are You Really Sure?


    A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

    In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

    Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

    The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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  2. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #762

    Trouble sleeping


    The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

    "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

    "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

    "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

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  3. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #763

    Psychiatrist phone


    Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

    If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

    If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

    If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

    If you are phobic, don't press anything.

    If you are anal retentive, please hold.
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  4. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #764

    I often feel guilty


    Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dumping him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

    "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

    "NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
    Last edited by solarmystic; 12 Jul 2012 at 02:39.
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  5. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #765

    What is the time?


    A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

    Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

    Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

    The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

    With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

    Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

    The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

    Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

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  6. Posts : 710
    Win7 Pro x64
       #766

    solarmystic said:
    Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.
    This had me puzzling for a bit until I realised "Alaska room temperature", d'oh.

    -
    A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot two things - condoms and dramamine - for the man had the terrible misfortune of getting motion sickness on ships.

    So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise, and the man went in to get the necessary supplies. He walked up to the counter with a plenty-pack of condoms and asked for the largest bottle of dramamine available.

    The pharmacist looked at him for a second and then asked him, "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"

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  7. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #767

    It's official : Chemistry lectures are a yawn.


    Trucidation said:
    "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"
    It's a question some gents wish they had the answer(s) for.

    _

    A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.

    Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.

    The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion . . ."
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  8. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #768

    Chemist's fast prayer


    Dear Lord, if I mix sodium
    with concentrated HNO3,
    and add to it Plutonium,
    would you take care of me?
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  9. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #769

    A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."
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  10. Posts : 2,072
    Windows 7 x64 Professional SP1
       #770

    Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."
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