Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #781

    On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
    Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
    "You English are far too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
    You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at
    me...I'm ME. I have the Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
    and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

    THE ENGLISHMAN REPLIED, "AWFULLY SPORTING OF YOUR MOTHER, OLD CHAP !!!!!"
      My Computer


  2. Posts : 710
    Win7 Pro x64
       #782

    Ouch, burrrrn! Ha.

    Girls At Different Ages In Your Life
    At 8: “You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”
    At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”
    At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”
    At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”
    At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”
    At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”
    At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“

      My Computer


  3. Posts : 8,476
    Windows® 8 Pro (64-bit)
       #783

    Trucidation said:
    Ouch, burrrrn! Ha.

    Girls At Different Ages In Your Life
    At 8: “You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”
    At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”
    At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”
    At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”
    At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”
    At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”
    At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“

      My Computer


  4. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #784

    Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

    A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

    The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.

    Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

    A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the supermarket manager stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the manager as well.

    However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

    Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

    The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

    (You're going to hate me for this..........)

    "ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 at Tesco!"
      My Computer


  5. Posts : 6,244
    win 7 ultimate32bit, Win8.1pro wmc 32bit
       #785

    Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

    Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm - not hot - water over it."

    Wife texts back: "Computer really b******d now.”
      My Computer


  6. Posts : 1,800
    Windows 7 Pro x64 SP1
       #786

    pebbly said:
    Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

    Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm - not hot - water over it."

    Wife texts back: "Computer really b******d now.”
    Now that's a good one.

    Rich
      My Computer


  7. Posts : 80
    Windows 7 Professional 64 bit Service Pack 1
       #787

    A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.
    The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have
    a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have
    a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The
    stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she
    says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first
    class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses didn't know what to do
    because they had to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off,
    so they got the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and
    whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in
    the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said
    to her to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her that the
    front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
      My Computer


  8. Posts : 80
    Windows 7 Professional 64 bit Service Pack 1
       #788

    A man gets new tires one afternoon and apparently the mechanic failed to tighten the lug nuts on one of the wheels because later that night he's driving down a dark, lonely road and his wheel falls off. He is able to jack up the car and put the wheel back on but can't find the lug nuts, even with a flashlight. He starts pacing back and forth, wringing his hands, "What am I going to do, what am I going to do?" (This happened back before cell phones.)

    He hears a rustling behind him and turns to see a figure in the bushes behind a chain link fence. The fence bears a sign that says mental institution.

    The guy behind the fences says "Lost your lug nuts, eh?"

    Motorist: "Yes."

    Patient: "Can't find them, eh?"

    Motorist: "That's right."

    Patient: "Well, take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and drive slowly till you get home."

    Motorist: "Wow, I'm amazed that you came up with that idea."

    Patient: "I'm crazy, but not stupid."
      My Computer


  9. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #789

    arizonajack said:
    A man gets new tires one afternoon and apparently the mechanic failed to tighten the lug nuts on one of the wheels because later that night he's driving down a dark, lonely road and his wheel falls off. He is able to jack up the car and put the wheel back on but can't find the lug nuts, even with a flashlight. He starts pacing back and forth, wringing his hands, "What am I going to do, what am I going to do?" (This happened back before cell phones.)

    He hears a rustling behind him and turns to see a figure in the bushes behind a chain link fence. The fence bears a sign that says mental institution.

    The guy behind the fences says "Lost your lug nuts, eh?"

    Motorist: "Yes."

    Patient: "Can't find them, eh?"

    Motorist: "That's right."

    Patient: "Well, take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and drive slowly till you get home."

    Motorist: "Wow, I'm amazed that you came up with that idea."

    Patient: "I'm crazy, but not stupid."
    I first heard that one about 1968.

    The good ones always come back around just like the lug nuts.
      My Computer


  10. Posts : 80
    Windows 7 Professional 64 bit Service Pack 1
       #790

    Hopalong X said:
    arizonajack said:
    A man gets new tires one afternoon and apparently the mechanic failed to tighten the lug nuts on one of the wheels because later that night he's driving down a dark, lonely road and his wheel falls off. He is able to jack up the car and put the wheel back on but can't find the lug nuts, even with a flashlight. He starts pacing back and forth, wringing his hands, "What am I going to do, what am I going to do?" (This happened back before cell phones.)

    He hears a rustling behind him and turns to see a figure in the bushes behind a chain link fence. The fence bears a sign that says mental institution.

    The guy behind the fences says "Lost your lug nuts, eh?"

    Motorist: "Yes."

    Patient: "Can't find them, eh?"

    Motorist: "That's right."

    Patient: "Well, take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and drive slowly till you get home."

    Motorist: "Wow, I'm amazed that you came up with that idea."

    Patient: "I'm crazy, but not stupid."
    I first heard that one about 1968.

    Yeah, that's about the same time I first heard it.
      My Computer


 
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