Jokes Thread [3]


  1. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #891

    F5ing said:
    Now let me go off and bubble-wrap myself...
    Bubble wrap is the answer.
    Protection from winds and it floats.




    Still working on the fireproofing!

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  2. Posts : 2,578
    Vista 64 bit and 32 bit (SP2)
       #892

    BrightBlessings said:
    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

    "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
    Hahahaha!!!! What's good for the goose is good for the gander!!!
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  3. Posts : 2,686
    Windows 8.1 Pro w/Media Center 64bit, Windows 7 HP 64bit
       #893

    Imperfect1 said:
    BrightBlessings said:
    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

    "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
    Hahahaha!!!! What's good for the goose is good for the gander!!!
    Looks like the gander will get goosed.

    Jim
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  4. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #894

    All you Grandpas and Grandmas, ...keep those hearing aids tuned up.


    --- What Is Couple Sex?---

    An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa,
    what is couple sex?"
    The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's
    old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
    Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction
    and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
    When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open,
    eyes wide in amazement.
    Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
    The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
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  5. Posts : 2,171
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64
       #895

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    All you Grandpas and Grandmas, ...keep those hearing aids tuned up.


    --- What Is Couple Sex?---
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  6. Posts : 3,302
    Windows 7 Home Premium x64 SP1
       #896

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    All you Grandpas and Grandmas, ...keep those hearing aids tuned up.


    --- What Is Couple Sex?---

    An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa,
    what is couple sex?"
    The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's
    old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
    Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction
    and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
    When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open,
    eyes wide in amazement.
    Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
    The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
    Nice One
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  7. Posts : 208
    Windows 7 64 bit
       #897

    Got this from another forum....


    A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St
    Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But
    Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been
    forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden
    of Heavenly Arrivals.'
    'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
    'Just three questions' said St Peter.
    'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
    'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with
    the letter 'T'?
    The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
    The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
    'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when
    I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
    So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some
    considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
    The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she
    had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
    'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
    letter T?'
    The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
    St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed
    the answer can be applied to the question.
    'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three
    questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
    The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
    'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
    'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
    February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of
    twelve seconds.'
    St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider
    your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away
    shaking his head.
    A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the
    answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question
    absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the
    answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
    The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest
    to answer.'
    'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
    'It's Andy.'
    'Andy??'
    'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
    This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,
    deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any
    longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you
    arrive at THAT answer?'
    'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his
    billy boiled.'
    And the Blonde entered Heaven...!

    ... you're singing it now, aren't you?
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  8. Posts : 7,538
    Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit
       #898

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  9. Posts : 53,663
    Windows 10 Home x64
    Thread Starter
       #899

    I see where Monica Lewinsky is now voting Republican.

    Apparently the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.


    A Guy
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  10. Posts : 2,241
    Windows 7 Professional 32-bit (6.1, Build 7600)
       #900

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