Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #941

    Must be a story from the 1980's.

    The tree was repo'd 6 years ago and was mulched.

    Also under Obama care she couldn't be turned away for pre existing conditions such as root rot.
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  2. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
       #942

    Drafting Guys Over 60

    Attachment 232432


    This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...

    New Direction for any war:
    Send Service Vets over 60 !

    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You
    can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
    Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be
    able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
    For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
    Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
    additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous
    soldier. 'My back hurts ! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.'
    We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it
    will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so
    what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may
    as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name,
    rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
    Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're
    used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them
    for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw
    a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
    completing basic training.
    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun
    a bullet.
    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a
    conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
    shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending
    them off into harm's way.

    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to
    see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who knew
    that their best years are
    already behind them.
    HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause !!!
    You think MEN have attitudes ??
    Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God !!!
    If nothing else, put them on border patrol.
    They'll have it secured the first night!
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  3. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #943

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    Drafting Guys Over 60

    Attachment 232432


    ...HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause !!!...
    If nothing else, put them on border patrol.
    They'll have it secured the first night!
    Dang right! One crack from the enemy about my cankles and going postal will seem like a mild expression of a slight annoyance.
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  4. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #944

    So what would you ladies think of securing embassy's in the desert?

    Secured embassy's. Check!

    Secured border. Check!
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  5. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #945

    You can't out run a bullet, you will just die tired trying.
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  6. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #946

    Layback Bear said:
    You can't out run a bullet, you will just die tired trying.
    Who said anything about running?


    "Hóka-héy, today is a good day to die!" Crazy Horse, Sioux warrior.
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  7. Posts : 1,214
    Windows 7 Ultimate x64 (XP, 98SE, 95, 3.11, DOS 7.10 on VM) + Ubuntu 10.04 LTS Lucid Lynx
       #947

    A few IT jokes :)

    The Programmers Dictionary

    Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
    Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
    pro·gram·mer (n) An organism capable of converting caffeine into code.
    --------------------------------
    CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms

    CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
    PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
    ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
    SCSI: System Can’t See It
    MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
    DOS: Defunct Operating System
    WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
    OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
    PnP: Plug and Pray
    APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
    IBM: I Blame Microsoft
    MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
    COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
    LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
    MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
    AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
    WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
    --------------------------------
    Top 10 phrases spoken by a Klingon Programmer

    1. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
    2. By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
    3. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
    4. Our competitors are without honor!
    5. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
    6. This machine is GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!
    7. Perhaps it IS a good day to die! I say we ship it!
    8. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
    9. My program has just dumped Stova Core!
    10. Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!
    --------------------------------
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  8. Posts : 25,847
    Windows 10 Pro. 64/ version 1709 Windows 7 Pro/64
       #948

    Hopalong X said:
    Layback Bear said:
    You can't out run a bullet, you will just die tired trying.
    Who said anything about running?


    "Hóka-héy, today is a good day to die!" Crazy Horse, Sioux warrior.
    --------------
    Ladypind post 942
    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun
    a bullet
    .
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  9. Posts : 24,479
    Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1
       #949

    Walk With Me While I Age


    I hope thispoem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my forwarding it will be worth the effort.
    Walk with me by the water - worth the read...


    A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
    Jokes Thread [3]-securedownload.jpg

    Sh##! I forgot the words!
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  10. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit
       #950

    Britton30 said:
    Walk With Me While I Age


    I hope thispoem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my forwarding it will be worth the effort.
    Walk with me by the water - worth the read...


    A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
    Jokes Thread [3]-securedownload.jpg

    Sh##! I forgot the words!
    That is?... that is??... oh well maybe later.

    Maybe it will come to me after I water the lilies. Darn fluid pills.
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