Jokes Thread [3]

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  1. Posts : 24,479
    Windows 7 Ultimate X64 SP1

    Jokes Thread [3]-small-wink.gif
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  2. Posts : 9,582
    Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64

    Hopalong X said:
    Maybe it will come to me after I water the lilies. Darn fluid pills.
    I hope you've informed Lily that you'll soon be watering her. Give her chance to get her brolly out!

    All I can say is thank goodness it's you doing the watering and not Topper!
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  3. Posts : 7,538
    Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit/Windows 10 64bit

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  4. Posts : 208
    Windows 7 64 bit

    My wife asked if she pleased me in bed?
    I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.". .
    "What trick?" she asked?
    "The one where you shut it and go to sleep!"
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  5. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit

    Dwarf said:
    I hope you've informed Lily that you'll soon be watering her. Give her chance to get her brolly out!

    All I can say is thank goodness it's you doing the watering and not Topper!
    The only thing I can suggest is not stand under Topper.

    The eighth Dwarf might be wee wet Willie.

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  6. Posts : 9,582
    Windows 8.1 Pro RTM x64

    Hopalong X said:
    The only thing I can suggest is not stand under Topper.
    And there's someone speaking from experience!
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  7. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit

    Stupid Question

    Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.

    General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
    Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
    Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
    This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
    In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

    So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

    We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

    Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

    I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

    Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

    I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

    But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

    Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

    The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.
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  8. Posts : 6,350
    Windows7 Pro 64bit SP-1; Windows XP Pro 32bit


    Ba da boom, ba da bing!!!

    ...then again maybe the interviewer... then the post goes silent.
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  9. Posts : 423
    Win7 64bit Ult

    1. I hate it when new parents ask me who their baby looks like.

    It was born 2 days ago, it looks like a f**king potato

    2. A couple of weeks after embarrassing the Royal family with his Vegas pictures, Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan.

    Nice one Philip, that'll look a bit less suspicious than another car crash.

    3. I would never cheat in a relationship,

    because that would require two people to find me attractive.

    4. I got in touch with my inner self today.

    That's the last time I buy Value toilet paper.

    5.My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

    "Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

    "Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

    "Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

    And that was all the invitation I needed...
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  10. Posts : 54,277
    Windows 10 Home x64
    Thread Starter

    Gotta love kids

    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'

    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.

    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

    POLICE # 1
    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

    POLICE #2
    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

    The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

    A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

    A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

    A Guy
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