New
#471
A GUY! How can you remember/find all those jokes? xDDD!
Jokes Thread [3]
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New #473
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He explodes: "'ells bells man, thas left t' bloody "e" out, you've left t’ bloody "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
"E, she were thin".
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New #474
A Texas man went to the Baptist church and asked to join. The preacher said, "Ok, but you have to pass a Bible test first." Here’s the question, "Where was Jesus born?"
The man thought a minute and said, "Longview."'
The preacher said, "Sorry, you can't join our church."
So, the man went on down the road to a Presbyterian church and asked to join. The preacher said, "We love to have you. You have to pass a Bible Test first though."
Here's the question, "Where was Jesus born?"
Quicker this time, the man said, "Tyler."
The preacher said, "No way can you join our church!"
So ... on the man goes down the road to the Methodist church and asked if he could join.
The preacher said, "Sure you can join! We welcome you!"
The man said, "You mean I don't have to pass a Bible test first?"
The preacher said, "No."
The man said, "Can I ask you a question then?"
"Certainly." said the Methodist preacher.
Where was Jesus born? The man asked.
The preacher said, "Palestine."
The man nodded, and kind of mumbled to himself, "I knew it was somewhere in East Texas."
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New #475
Okay, so a bunch of children are given an assignment to tell the class a story their parents told them and what they learned from it. Most of the stories were very typical, but then it came time for little billy to read his paper.
My dad once told me a story about my aunt Sally when she was in the gulf war.
Her plane had been shot and was going down, so she grabbed a rifle, a bottle of whiskey they were saving and the parachute and jumped. She chugged the whiskey on the way down but then, she landed right in the middle of dozens of enemy troops. Somehow she managed to kill most of them with the rifle before tearing the last few of them to pieces with her bare hands.
'dear god' exclaimed the teacher 'what on earth could you possibly learn from such a horribly brutal story'
Without missing a beat little billy looks her dead in the eyes and says
'Don't mess with Aunt Sally when she's been drinking.'
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New #476
Maguscreed, that one is hilarious! Now than, time for another one from me... Just remembered a Leprechaun joke
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A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all his legs. The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat.
"If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again, or I'll rip off your little tallywagger," yells the mean-looking guy.
After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again. This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun.
"All right, I've got you this time. I warned you -- now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywagger!"
The leprechaun laughs, "You can't do that."
"Why not?" asks his captor.
"Because," giggles the leprechaun, "leprechauns don't have tallywaggers."
"Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?" growls the angry man, "How in the hell do you pee?"
"Just like this," laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.Last edited by Brink; 02 May 2012 at 19:36. Reason: language
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New #480
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