Jokes Thread [3]

How butch is an army that has a wine opener on his knife?
'Many of you men have never opened Shardenae (or however it's spelled) under fire! First of all you take out the wine knife put it in the cork spirits fish and throw! I don't know what I've been told, Shardenae is piece of cold YAH!'

??? I haven't a clue what that was about I'm confused was there supposed to be a joke there.

Thank you seavixen, and it was a joke by Robin Williams, it's when he was in Stand Up Comedy, i could put the link in if you want Joan

Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery.... The study of paintings

Bacteria..............Back door to the cafeteria.

Barium...................What doctors do when patients die.

Benign..............What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section.......A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan.................Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize...............Made eye contact with her.

Colic......................A sheep dog.

Coma............A punctuation mark.

Dilate....................To live long.

Enema....................Not a friend.

Fester..........Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.....................A small lie.

Impotent................Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain..............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane.

Morbid..................A higher offer.

Nitrates...................Cheaper than day rates.

Node......................I knew it.

Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.

Pelvis...................... Irish Cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery.

Rectum...................Nearly killed him.

Secretion................Hiding something.

Seizure.....Roman emperor.

Tablet...................A small table.

Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour...................One plus one more.

Urine....................Opposite of you're out.

2 x Condoms.........To be sure, to be sure

The following story happened about a year or two ago near Aughrim Co. Galway (Ireland).

This guy drives from Ballinasloe to Kilreekill and decides not to take the new A road, as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the outskirts his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from anywhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the rains are so strong he can barely see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly in the distance he sees the headlights of a car coming towards him and it slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in.

Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realises there is nobody behind the wheel!!! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop beyond the curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard and fast as he can towards the lights.

It's a small town. Wet and in shock he goes to a roadside bar, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some Whisky and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever will listen about the horrible experience he's just been through. A silence envelops everybody when they realise the guy isn't drunk, and is really frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him more booze and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what.

But just then two strangers walked into the bar. And one says to the other, "Look, that's the fecking eejit that got in the car when we were pushing it."