On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are far too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at
me...I'm ME. I have the Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
THE ENGLISHMAN REPLIED, "AWFULLY SPORTING OF YOUR MOTHER, OLD CHAP !!!!!"
Ouch, burrrrn! Ha.
Girls At Different Ages In Your Life
At 8: “You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”
At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”
At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”
At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”
At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”
At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”
At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“
Ouch, burrrrn! Ha.
Girls At Different Ages In Your Life
At 8: “You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”
At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”
At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”
At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”
At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”
At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”
At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the supermarket manager stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this..........)
"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 at Tesco!"
Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm - not hot - water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really b******d now.”
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.
The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have
a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have
a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The
stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she
says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first
class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardesses didn't know what to do
because they had to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off,
so they got the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and
whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in
the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said
to her to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her that the
front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
A man gets new tires one afternoon and apparently the mechanic failed to tighten the lug nuts on one of the wheels because later that night he's driving down a dark, lonely road and his wheel falls off. He is able to jack up the car and put the wheel back on but can't find the lug nuts, even with a flashlight. He starts pacing back and forth, wringing his hands, "What am I going to do, what am I going to do?" (This happened back before cell phones.)
He hears a rustling behind him and turns to see a figure in the bushes behind a chain link fence. The fence bears a sign that says mental institution.
The guy behind the fences says "Lost your lug nuts, eh?"
Motorist: "Yes."
Patient: "Can't find them, eh?"
Motorist: "That's right."
Patient: "Well, take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and drive slowly till you get home."
Motorist: "Wow, I'm amazed that you came up with that idea."
Patient: "I'm crazy, but not stupid."
