Jokes Thread [3]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband


P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Trevers some have all the luck. He get Carla and Carl all in one package and it only cost him 10 million.

Idle Thoughts Of A
Retiree's Wandering Mind:

********************

I had amnesia
once---or twice
********************



I went to San
Francisco .
I found someone's heart. Now what?


********************

Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************



All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me
happy
********************

If the world were
a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.


********************

What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
********************



They told me I was gullible
and I believed them.


********************

Teach a child to be
polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up,
he'll
never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.


********************

Experience is the thing
you have left
when everything else is gone.


********************

One nice thing about
egotists:
they don't talk about other people.


********************

My weight is perfect
for my height--
which varies.
********************



I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.


********************

How can there be
self-help "groups"?
********************

If
swimming is so good for your figure,
how do you explain whales?


********************

Show me a man with both
feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get
his pants off.
********************

Is it me
--or
do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************

"If I wasn't so darn modest I'd be perfect!"

When you get old you loose three of you faculties.

The first is Memory.

I don't remember the other two.

Jim

Phone Man said:

When you get old you loose three of you faculties.

The first is Memory.

I don't remember the other two.

Jim

Nice one xD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Psychology or Law ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** **** **** A guy asked a girl in a library:* "Do you mind if I sit beside you?''* The girl replied in a loud voice:* "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"** * All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:* "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?''** * The guy responded with a loud voice: *'$'500 FOR ONE NIGHT THAT'S TOO MUCH!!''** * All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears:* "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty....!"*****

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Psychology or Law ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**** **** **** A guy asked a girl in a library:* "Do you mind if I sit beside you?''* The girl replied in a loud voice:* "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"** * All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:* "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?''** * The guy responded with a loud voice: *'$'500 FOR ONE NIGHT THAT'S TOO MUCH!!''** * All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears:* "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty....!"*****

I swear...I was never in that library!

Good one M'Lady

A Guy

OHHHH great A Guy.. sure glad that wasn't you......lol....