Jokes Thread [3]

Britton30 said:

You're getting into Bad Company John.

Hey ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ all the way that is just what I thought when I saw the post and put it in what are you listening to

BrightBlessings said:

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis,


NOW hand me dat shovel.'

Fastest Dad


Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest.


One says, "My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow."


The second one says, "My father is even faster - when he hunts, he can shoot a deer with a gunl and run up to it before it falls down."

The third kid says, "You actually don't understand what speed is. My father works for the city. He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."

BrightBlessings said:

An Australian, an Irishman & an Englishman were sitting in a bar.

The only other person in the bar was a bearded man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared & stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out: ''My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!''
The others looked again & sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman called out: ''Hey! You! Are you Jesus?''
The man looked over at him, smiled & nodded his head: ''Yes, I am Jesus.'' he said.
The Irishman called the bartender over & said to him: ''I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.''

So the bartender poured Jesus a Guinness & took it over to his table.
Jesus looked over, raised his glass, smiled thank you & drank.
The Englishman then called out: ''Errr, excuse me, Sir, but would you be Jesus?''
Jesus smiled & said: ''Yes, I am Jesus.''
The Englishman beckoned the bartender & told him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus.

This the bartender duly did.
As before, Jesus accepted the drink & smiled over at the men.
Then the Australian called out: ''Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?''
Jesus nodded & said: ''Yes, I am Jesus.''
The Australian was mighty impressed & had the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepted with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus left his seat & approached the three men. He reached for the hand of the Irishman & shook it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he let go, the Irishman gave a cry of amazement: ''Oh my God, the arthritis is gone,'' he exclaimed. ''the arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!''
Jesus then shook the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.

Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widened in shock: ''By Jove,'' he exclaimed, ''the migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!''
Jesus then approached the Australian, who had a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispered: ''Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp.''

isn't that the truth eh??

Let's Pretend

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train.


After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.


In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."


The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."


"Why not?" giggles the woman.


"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

We're In Trouble Now


Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys.


So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys.


The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest.


The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?"


The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing.


Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing.


The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?"


The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door.


The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!"


His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!"


The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"