Jokes Thread [3]

pebbly said:

A Christmas Story :



When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.


Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Fully sik

Blonde Joke


A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"


In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a football player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"


The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

Popular Guy


Bill and Ned go out to lunch and nearly everyone in the the restaurant stops to say hello to Ned.


"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill.


"I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.


"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."


"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"


"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"


"Let's go!" says Ned.


The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.


"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"


"Let's go!" says Ned.


The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned, my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"


"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"


When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out,
Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.


"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,


"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."


"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"


"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Quick--paint it and sell it!:)

Good one Borg! I used to drive a cab and the damn police would stop us anyway.

Computers make good jokes. The last one may come in handy with certain threads.

Borg 386 said:

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Moonlight with it LOL!!

Changing Resolutions

2010: I will get my weight down below 160 pounds.

2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 180 pounds.

2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2013: I will work out every day.

2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week and eat fewer cookies