Jokes Thread [3]

A New Year Prayer for the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Resolutions You Can Keep

1.) Gain at least 30 pounds.

2.) Read less.

3.) Stop exercising. It's a waste of time.

4.) Watch more TV.

5.) Procrastinate more.

6.) Start being superstitious.

7.) Spend more time at work.

8.) Stop bring lunch from home and eat out more.

9.) Sleep more.

10.) Start a new bad habit.

New year resolution.

Do the same as the year before and see if you get the same results.

Layback Bear said:

New year resolution.

Do the same as the year before and see if you get the same results.

It would be a good idea, if I could remember what it was.

COMPUTIAC said:

Resolutions You Can Keep

1.) Gain at least 30 pounds.

2.) Read less.

3.) Stop exercising. It's a waste of time.

4.) Watch more TV.

5.) Procrastinate more.

6.) Start being superstitious.

7.) Spend more time at work.

8.) Stop bring lunch from home and eat out more.

9.) Sleep more.

10.) Start a new bad habit.

I've kept only one resolution: I resolve to stop making resolutions.

Lady Fitzgerald said:

I've kept only one resolution: I resolve to stop making resolutions.

You made a resolution to stop making resolutions.
Years ago when working for ATT they formed a committee to look at all the forms we used and wanted to eliminate outdated forms. Their first act was to create a new form to tell them what forms were not needed.

Jim

I found this on another site and Hope that it is not to raw for this forum.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices
the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, that's a huge lighter...where did you get it?"
The guy replies "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?" ...

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks.
Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

rich

richnrockville said:

i found this on another site and hope that it is not to raw for this forum.

a guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices
the guy has a very large bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "wow, that's a huge lighter...where did you get it?"
the guy replies "a genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"great, can i try it?" ...

"sure."

the first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "you are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy says, "i want a million bucks!"
"done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks.
Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"i can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "i asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

the second guy then says, "do you really think i wished for a 12 inch bic?"

rich

good one!!:d:d:d:d

COMPUTIAC said:

Resolutions You Can Keep

1.) Gain at least 30 pounds.

2.) Read less.

3.) Stop exercising. It's a waste of time.

4.) Watch more TV.

5.) Procrastinate more.

6.) Start being superstitious.

7.) Spend more time at work.

8.) Stop bring lunch from home and eat out more.

9.) Sleep more.

10.) Start a new bad habit.

Like that and the best part about senility is you get to meet new people every day