Jokes Thread [3]

Secret To A Happy Marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls

Not a joke per se, just a "test" to find out if in you is a secret Finn: If you are Finnish

I especially like this part:

Rudolph the Reindeer is food

You don't consider insects, dogs, cats, monkeys or guinea pigs to be food -- but crayfish and reindeer are. You also know that in order to pass for a good "European", you should* eat frogs, oysters and snails.
Milk comes in cardboard cartons (never in bottles -- and you must go to the shop for it!), and the colour shows how much fat it has. If you are male or over 40 (or under 12), you maybe drink milk at every meal. (And milk means plain milk, not hot milk or some fancy liquid with banana or chocolate flavour.)

LOL!

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Until recently, we just asked for separate checks. Now, with so many of my friends under employed or unemployed, I usually pick up the check (I'm not rich but I have a steady income and live well within my means).

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

I've known plenty of cheap men that wouldn't even pay $1 for a $2 item. I'll admit to drooling over sale prices but I won't buy unless I actually need it and can afford it (most of the time).

BATHROOMS
·A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

I know plenty of men with more than six items in the bathroom and women with far less than 337. I personally keep mine under 100.


DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

You haven't been to Wal-Mart lately.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

And work dates, job interviews, court appearances, etc.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

By the time I put my ample asset in bed, I can't get any worse.

The Howling Wolves said:

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED


Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack..
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay..
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.. Tux rental-$100..
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

You forgot socks live on the floor
The Christmas pressies all come from one shop and are card shaped

Getting Forgetful

Two men were holding up the line outside the turnstyle before a football game, while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail...

“Hang on a minute...,” said the guy at the gate, “...what's that in your mouth?”

“It's the missing ticket!”

As they moved inside his friend said...
”You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!”

“'I'm not that stupid...,” said his friend, “...I was chewing last week's date off it.”

First Worry

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Real Insurance Accident Reports

The truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of it path when it struck my front end.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.