Jokes Thread

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  1. Posts : 234
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #1

    Jokes Thread


    Person 1:Knock Knock

    Person 2:Whos there?

    Person 1: Boo

    Person 2: Boo who?

    Person 1: ZOMG WHY U CRYIN??!?


    Rofl its so dumb i know.
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  2. Posts : 3,300
    Win7 Home Premium 64x
       #2

    3 strings walk into a bar. They pull up stools at the bar and order 3 beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get outa here. We don't server strings here...." The three strings leave. They want some beer so they formulate a plan. They all jump to the ground. wiggling around getting all dirty and grimmy on the sidewalk. After a short while, they get up and walk back into the bar. They pull up a bar stool and sit down and order 3 beers.

    The bartender looks at them and after a second says "hey, aren't you those three strings that came in here earlier?" To which they replied " NOPE... I'm a frayed knot."
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  3. Posts : 9,606
    Win7 Enterprise, Win7 x86 (Ult 7600), Win7 x64 Ult 7600, TechNet RTM on AMD x64 (2.8Ghz)
       #3

    An elderly(about 70), white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.



    Jokes Thread-young_blonde.jpg
    He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.




    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.



    On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
















    "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

    All Seniors Aren't Senile
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  4. Posts : 11,991
    Windows 7 Ultimate 32 bit
       #4

    LADYPINKtomato1 said:
    We are interesting : Not a joke..... but an observation.


    GOD
    AND
    LAWN
    CARE


    AUTHOR UNKNOWN



    GOD:
    Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

    ST FRANCIS:
    Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

    GOD:
    The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

    ST FRANCIS:
    Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

    GOD:
    They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

    ST. FRANCIS:
    Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

    GOD:
    They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

    ST FRANCIS:
    No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

    GOD:
    Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

    ST FRANCIS:
    Yes, Sir.

    GOD:
    These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

    ST. FRANCIS:
    You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

    GOD:
    What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

    ST. FRANCIS:
    You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

    GOD:
    No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

    ST FRANCIS:
    After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

    GOD:
    And where do they get this mulch?

    ST FRANCIS:
    They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

    GOD:
    Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

    ST. CATHERINE:
    'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

    GOD:
    Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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  5. Posts : 1,491
    Win7 Pro-64 Bit
       #5

    God created Dog and Cat

    Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
    every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome
    here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

    And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and
    who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even
    when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish
    or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as
    you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

    And it was a good animal.

    And God was pleased.

    And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
    tail

    And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
    and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

    And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
    love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
    call him DOG.'

    And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

    And they were comforted

    And God was pleased.

    And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


    After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
    'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
    like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
    indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

    And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and
    who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their
    limitations, so they will know that they are not
    always worthy of adoration..'

    And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


    And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
    they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

    And Adam and Eve learned humility.

    And they were greatly improved.

    And God was pleased . . ..

    And Dog was happy. . .

    And...............Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other...
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  6. Posts : 762
    Windows 2000 5.0 Build 2195
       #6

    My mom thinks "lol" means "lots of love"

    She texted me : "Your Grandma had just died LOL"
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  7. Posts : 2,493
    Windows 7 64Bit
       #7

    DocBrown said:
    An elderly(about 70), white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.



    Jokes Thread-young_blonde.jpg
    He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.




    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.



    On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
















    "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

    All Seniors Aren't Senile
    OMG
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  8. Posts : 7,781
    Win 7 32 Home Premium, Win 7 64 Pro, Win 8.1, Win 10
       #8

    Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

    Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

    "That's true," said Paul.

    "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

    "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

    "From your Love line? No, from the calluses."
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  9. Posts : 842
    Windows 7 Ultimate 64 - OEM Service Pack 1
       #9

    borg 386 said:
    paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "for fifteen dollars, i can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

    paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "i can see that you have no girlfriend."

    "that's true," said paul.

    "oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

    "yes," paul shamefully admitted. "that's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

    "from your love line? No, from the calluses."

    ha ha ha :d
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  10. Posts : 208
    Windows 7 64 bit
       #10

    The Pearly Gates

    40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

    St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

    God says 'We are over quota on travellers. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

    Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

    'They've gone', he tells God.

    'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'



    'No, the gates'.

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