Jokes Thread [4]

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  1. Posts : 54,271
    Windows 10 Home x64
       #231



    A Guy
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  2. Posts : 54,271
    Windows 10 Home x64
       #232

    Fifty Shades of Golf:

    Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.

    Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife Paula puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

    Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

    "Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and Paula came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

    She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

    "So... Here I am!"

    A Guy
      My Computer


  3. Posts : 54,271
    Windows 10 Home x64
       #233

    They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for the church ladies with computers. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
    --------------------------

    Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    --------------------------

    The sermon this morning:'Jesus Walks on the Water.’The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
    --------------------------

    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
    --------------------------

    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
    --------------------------

    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
    --------------------------

    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    --------------------------

    Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
    --------------------------

    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    --------------------------

    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
    ---------------------

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    --------------------------

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    --------------------------

    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
    --------------------------

    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
    --------------------------

    Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
    --------------------------

    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
    --------------------------

    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    --------------------------

    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
    --------------------------

    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
    --------------------------

    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
    --------------------------

    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    --------------------------
    And this one just about sums them all up...

    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
    'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

    A Guy
      My Computer


  4. Posts : 9,607
    Win7 Enterprise, Win7 x86 (Ult 7600), Win7 x64 Ult 7600, TechNet RTM on AMD x64 (2.8Ghz)
       #234

    Facts About Crows


    Just when you thought you knew everything!









    A fact you won't soon forget about crows.



    Researchers for the MassachusettsTurnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern thatthey may have died from AvianFlu.



    A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts; however, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.



    By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.



    MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause:When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.








    They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."












































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  5. Posts : 9,747
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit sp1
       #235

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  6. Posts : 9,615
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #236

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  7. Posts : 231
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64 bit
       #237

    There was an elderly man who had Parkingson.

    His son worked in a parking lot,so his father stayed with Parkingson.

    (translated)
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  8. Posts : 600
    OpenBSD 6.8
       #238

    Rofl
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  9. Posts : 231
    Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 64 bit
       #239

    There was a student (boy) in Senior High School with his teacher who was teaching Religious Studies. She had a ponytail. He asked her: "How will I look with that ponytail?". She replied: "You'll look like an a****le!" Then the whole class laughed.
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  10. Posts : 54,271
    Windows 10 Home x64
       #240

    Dave stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

    He waggled, looked up, looked down... waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

    Finally his exasperated partner Roy asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

    'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Dave explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

    His companion Roy shook his head and said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

    A Guy
      My Computer


 
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