Jokes Thread [4]

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

I'm NOT saying which class I'm from... lol

High class

A Guy

Perfect Girl

Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again.

"So Ron. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"

"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"

First the wife, and now the dog ?

Jim

Windows 8

I suppose this is as good as any place to post this. I was NOT part of this testing, just for the record.


Alarming news about beer....

This is alarming!

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, McGill University released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!

Cheers.............

Toddler Miracle Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after three days.
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years, you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!

Day One
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

Day Two
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half a bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with a spoon.

Day Three
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.

Final Day
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.