Jokes Thread [4]

Helping The Boss

A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen", said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help.

He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

"Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

"I just need two copies of that."

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"?

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it"?

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one that I really liked."

Man: "How much"?

Woman: "$90,000."

Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."

Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Written by a third grader. After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles , and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS

Forward to all your "retarded grandparent" friends. Or just your "retarded" friends.

I remember this happening to me.........




$5.37


That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.


Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.




He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see just who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me.


"Only cost you $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen, Me?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?



As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.


Old?


Me?

I'll show him, I thought.


I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!



What am I now?



A toddler?

"Dude!



Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys.



I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.



I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now?

I checked my keys and tried another.


Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:



The child car seat in the back seat.

Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.

A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.



That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!




My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.


I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.



There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.

All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"


All I could say was,"Did I leave my food and drink in here"?


At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.



I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans
to get my attention.



He was holding up a drink and a bag.



His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:



"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.



Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.


And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.




As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.




I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.


The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).

Notice the larger type?



That's for those of us who have trouble reading smaller type..

P.S. Save the earth......It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!



Oops, did I send this to you already?

LADYPINKtomato1 said:

I remember this happening to me.........




$5.37


That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.


Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see just who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me.

"Only cost you $4.68" he said cheerfully.<snip>

I kind of enjoy this part, since age 54 at some places.

One fine morning a husband said to his wife, "Today is a fine day"
The next day when he left for work he said, "Today is a fine day"
Again the next day, he said the same thing in the morning "Today is a fine day"

After a week, the wife couldn't take it anymore. So she asked her husband, "Whats up will all these fine days? Every day for the past week, you have been telling me its a fine day"

The husband says, "Remember last week when we had a fight ?"
The wife says, "Yes, it was a big fight"

The husband says, "Remember when you said at the end, 'I'll leave you one fine day'.."

"I've just been reminding you all week"

Faulty Envelopes

I once worked with a lady who would do some very strange and very silly things.

One of her finest mistakes was when she ordered some envelopes for the use of posting mail for the company. She was having some problems with getting the envelopes to stick after she had licked them.

So she returned them to the supplier and got another box to replace. The same thing happened. So when she went to return them the suplier asked what had been going wrong.

Once she explained that the glue was not working because they would not stick once she had licked them.

This was when the supplier informed her she had been licking self sticking envelopes and had in fact been licking off the glue.

A woman ran a stop sign and a man crashed into her, demolishing both cars, however neither was hurt.
They crawled out of the wrecks and the woman said to the man, "Wow these cars are destroyed, but at least we are OK. This must be a message that God wanted us to meet."
The man, of course, agreed and said, "What do we do now?"

The woman said, "Look I have a bottle of wine which didn't even break. I think God would want us to have a drink to celebrate and toast ourselves for our lives together." She opened the bottle and handed it to the man.

He said, "Yes I think you are right." and drank half the bottle and gave it back to the woman. She put the cap back on and handed it back.

He said, "Aren't you going to drink any?"

"No, I think I'll just wait for the police."

Men are so dumb.

How about video jokes?

To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it w as off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb nut.
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.