Jokes Thread [4]

(I had to look it up.)

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist
who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us . . .

Here are some of things he sees differently!

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Why I Like Retirement !


Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday






Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.





Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.








Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.





Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.








Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.





Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.








Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!





Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Ans wer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.






Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .....
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.





Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.








Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.









And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.





SERENITY



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.



I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I
got my leotards on,
the class was over.






My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.



These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'



THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the
difference.


Now, I think you're supposed to share this with maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!


Always Remember This:
Don't stop laughing

When getting older I like my new calender. I don't even have to hang it on the wall.
3 day weeks are great.
Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow?

Those resemble me......other days I'm really busy, like yesterday.. I worked in the yard almost the whole day..started at 7:30 am.. stopped to eat late lunch, a short nap, then right back out, till 7:30 pm.. I finally was finished and everything cleaned and put away....
learning to use a gas powered weedeater, along with a new leaf blower, after assembling it, I made a bit of a ragged mess with the weedeater,, then got the hang of using it , turned the string on the side used it for edging ( 90 % angle )too much debris so swept it up , picked it up , out with the lawnmower , mowed the lawn, I must say I did a much better, cleaner, spiffy job than any of the guys I've hired to do this. Of course I'm really sore today , my arms, shoulders,I will survive....lol I did sleep like a baby last night.

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends."

Barbie still looks good & classy

Reminds me of my grandmother. Hi Nana.:)

Some people, rarely change much at all , Why is that ?... makes me wonder.

I haven't changed much in all my years. Ugly doesn't wear off with time.

Layback Bear said:

I haven't changed much in all my years. Ugly doesn't wear off with time.

I can attest to that.