Jokes Thread [4]

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  1. Posts : 53,363
    Windows 10 Home x64
       #191

    Random Thoughts .….


    Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

    Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet....

    I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

    Old age is coming at a really bad time!

    The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

    Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

    My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

    Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

    If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

    The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

    I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

    When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

    Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

    Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

    Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

    Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree... that makes it a plant which means... chocolate is Salad!!!

    A Guy
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  2. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
    Thread Starter
       #192

    A Guy... I see you think like I've been thinking... I see no end to this GOOD Stuff...lol....
    Happy New Year... my dear friend. :)
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  3. Posts : 53,363
    Windows 10 Home x64
       #193

    Happy New Year to you M'Lady

    A Guy
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  4. Posts : 9,606
    Win7 Enterprise, Win7 x86 (Ult 7600), Win7 x64 Ult 7600, TechNet RTM on AMD x64 (2.8Ghz)
       #194

    Irish Sawmill Accident


    Now don’t blame me I only find them! Enjoy







    PADDY AND MICK ARE IRISHMEN WORKING AT THE LOCAL SAWMILL.



    ONE DAY, MICK SLIPS AND HIS ARM GETS CAUGHT AND SEVERED BY THE BIG BENCH SAW.

    PADDY QUICKLY PUTS THE LIMB IN A PLASTIC BAG AND RUSHES IT AND MICK TO THE LOCAL HOSPITAL .



    NEXT DAY, PADDY GOES TO THE HOSPITAL AND ASKS AFTER MICK. THE NURSE SAYS, "OH HE'S OUT IN REHAB EXERCISING".



    PADDY COULDN'T BELIEVE IT, BUT THERE'S MICK OUT THE BACK EXERCISING HIS NOW RE-ATTACHED ARM. THE VERY NEXT DAY HE'S BACK AT WORK IN THE SAW MILL.



    A COUPLE OF DAYS GO BY, AND THEN MICK SLIPS AND SEVERS HIS LEG ON ANOTHER BLOODY BIG SAW.



    SO PADDY PUTS THE LIMB IN A PLASTIC BAG AND RUSHES IT AND MICK OFF TO HOSPITAL..



    NEXT DAY HE CALLS IN TO SEE HIM AND ASKS THE NURSE HOW HE IS.

    THE NURSE REPLIES, "HE'S OUT IN REHAB AGAIN EXERCISING".



    AND SURE ENOUGH, THERE'S MICK OUT THERE DOING SOME SERIOUS WORK ON THE TREADMILL. AND VERY SOON MICK COMES BACK TO WORK.



    BUT, AS USUAL, WITHIN A COUPLE OF DAYS HE HAS ANOTHER ACCIDENT AND SEVERS HIS HEAD.



    WEARILY PADDY PUTS THE HEAD IN A PLASTIC BAG AND TRANSPORTS IT AND MICK TO HOSPITAL.



    NEXT DAY HE GOES IN AND ASKS THE NURSE HOW MICK IS.

    THE NURSE BREAKS DOWN AND CRIES AND SAYS, "HE'S DEAD."



    PADDY IS SHOCKED, BUT NOT SURPRISED.

    "I SUPPOSE THE SAW FINALLY DID HIM IN."



    "NO" SAYS THE NURSE,



















    "SOME IDIOT PUT HIS HEAD IN A PLASTIC BAG AND HE SUFFOCATED.
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  5. Posts : 9,746
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64 bit sp1
       #195

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  6. Posts : 9,600
    Win 7 Ultimate 64 bit
       #196

    Groan!
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  7. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
    Thread Starter
       #197

    Jewish Joke

    Rabbi and the KKK


    The Rabbi rose with a red face and said, "Someone in
    this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong
    to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a
    Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed
    and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
    party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from
    God and our Jewish community."

    No one moved.

    The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to
    face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you
    will be forgiven and ! in your heart you will feel
    relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

    Again all was quiet.

    Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body
    that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head
    was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

    "Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
    I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.
    I just told a couple of friends that you were a
    wizard under the sheets."

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  8. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
    Thread Starter
       #198

    @ Doc...... Good one....
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  9. Posts : 4,549
    Windows 8 - 64-bit
    Thread Starter
       #199

    A Guy said:
    Happy New Year to you M'Lady

    A Guy
    Thank you.... I hope your New Year is going great... hugs
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  10. Posts : 9,537
    Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
       #200

    As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
    having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

    The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'

    The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
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