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Windows 7: Smoking tech support

27 Dec 2009   #11
Joan Archer

Windows 7 Ultimate SP1 32 bit/Windows 10 64bit
 
 

My System SpecsSystem Spec
28 Dec 2009   #12
InternetLord

Windows 7 Eternity Build 7600 RTM Activated x86
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Smoke View Post
LOL Whats funny is there are alot of people that are like that.
LMAO, my roommate is one.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
28 Dec 2009   #13
FuturDreamz

Windows 8 Pro (32-bit)
 
 

NOSMOKE.EXE I love that.
I have to remember that concept for tech supporting stubborn people.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
.

28 Dec 2009   #14
IggyAZ

Windows 7 Ultimate (64 bit)
 
 

DOS? Whats that.....
My System SpecsSystem Spec
28 Dec 2009   #15
Capt.Jack Sparrow

Windows 7 Ultimate - 64-bit | Windows 8 Pro - 64-bit
 
 

Here is another one

A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate Woman

DEAR DESPERATE Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1..0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Tech Support
My System SpecsSystem Spec
28 Dec 2009   #16
Lordbob75

Windows 7 Ultimate x64, Mint 9
 
 

Quote   Quote: Originally Posted by Capt.Jack Sparrow View Post
Here is another one

A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy,
Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate Woman

DEAR DESPERATE Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1..0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Tech Support
F***ing epic.

~Lordbob
My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Dec 2009   #17
Capt.Jack Sparrow

Windows 7 Ultimate - 64-bit | Windows 8 Pro - 64-bit
 
 

Subject: If cars were *really* like computers

What if cars really were like computers? You'd have a helpline to assist in solving problems as they came up... Now just imagine if the same people that answer the phones at Microsoft had to answer the General Motors helpline...

HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side.'

HelpLine: 'How did you try to open the passenger's side?'

Customer: 'I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side.'

HelpLine: 'People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way.'

HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'How do I turn my windshield wipers on?'

HelpLine: 'There's a little button on the radio console . . .'

Customer: 'Radio console??'

HelpLine: 'Yes, it's more efficient to have all the controls in one central position. Look for the one with a shape like a piece of pie on it.'

Customer: 'And that's the windshield wiper button? I was always wondering what that did.'

HelpLine: 'People are always asking that. You'd think they'd be more familiar with the principles of graphic design.'

HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'My car will go forward, but when I put it in reverse, nothing happens.'

HelpLine: 'What model do you have?'

Customer: 'It's a brand new 1994 Mongoose.'

HelpLine: 'Yes, but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?'

Customer: 'I don't know. Let me find out and I'll call you back.'

HelpLine: 'Alright, but let me tell you you've probably got the small r model. You'll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in reverse.'

HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'I just called about the car that wouldn't go in reverse.'

HelpLine: 'Well, yes, we get a lot of calls about that.'

Customer: 'It turns out I have the small r model. But I bought the one with the 'Reverse gear option'.'

HelpLine: 'Yes, that's the option to upgrade to a reverse gear.'

Customer: 'Why don't they all just come with a reverse gear in the first place?'

HelpLine: 'Well, that's very difficult to do, even for our world-class engineers, and not everyone may want it. Also, it makes the car more complicated to drive. So we offer it as an option to our 'power drivers'.'

Customer: 'How come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?' HelpLine' 'Ahem. Well, yes, they're not a market leader, they're just for people who really like working on cars. If you really want to get involved in those kind complicated details, go right ahead . . .'

But really, we're leaving out an important part:

HelpLine: 'General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'My car just caught fire.'

HelpLine: 'I see. And what model was it?'

Customer: '1994r Mongoose.'

HelpLine: 'Big or small . . .'

Customer: ' . . . small r.'

HelpLine: 'And your registration number?'

Customer: '426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam.'

HelpLine: 'And where did you buy your car?'

Customer: 'Fast Eddie's Sports-o-rama in Glendale.'

HelpLine: 'And what was the name of the salesman?'

Customer: 'I don't remember.'

HelpLine: 'I see. Are you sure you didn't steal this car?'

Customer: 'Of course I didn't steal it!'

HelpLine: 'And would you be interested in purchasing our extended service contract?'
My System SpecsSystem Spec
30 Dec 2009   #18
richc46

Microsoft Community Contributor Award Recipient

Windows 10, Home Clean Install
 
 

Good story Captain. Nice break from the O/Ps
My System SpecsSystem Spec
31 Dec 2009   #19
mitchell64

Windows Seven Home Premium 32bit SP1
 
 

Most entertaining. C.J.S.
My System SpecsSystem Spec
01 Oct 2010   #20
Abhishek Ghosh

Windows 7 Ultimate 64 bit, Mac OS X 10.6
 
 

Nice posts mate
My System SpecsSystem Spec
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