Well then... regardless. I tried the new surge protector (which I can use for other things too so it wasn't a waste of $$ at all!) and it didn't solve the problem.

... So, after speaking to plenty of people (for some reason, folks seem super interested in my problems all of a sudden!) and ruling certain things out, I finally decided to call the manufacturer (Cyberpower) and see what they could do for me. They were mostly stumped too so I'm going to be sending it back to them to get repaired. It's still covered in the warranty so all it will cost is the shipping and handling fee. I have to back all my shit up just in case they format it, but otherwise I'm kind of glad to get it out of my hands. I can live without my computer for a bit.

Ionbasa, thank you so much for your patience. Sorry if it seems like I'm just dropping the ball or giving up here.