update fails, SP1 install fails, troubleshooter fails

I'm simply attempting to run update on my Windows 7 machine. Update will not run, downloading and running the SP1 update fails, downloading and running the Update Readiness Tool fails, trying to launch a troubleshooter fails. I ran sfc and have attached the log along with all the error codes screenshots. I have no idea how to proceed from here other than to drop this machine off at the nearest recycling center.

Diagnostic Report (1.9.0027.0):
-----------------------------------------
Windows Validation Data-->

Validation Code: 0
Cached Online Validation Code: N/A, hr = 0xc004f012
Windows Product Key: *****-*****-WJ2H8-R6B6D-7QJB7
Windows Product Key Hash: ckKNc+BBPDWmo1LUlOkraNjlQ34=
Windows Product ID: 00359-OEM-8992687-00006
Windows Product ID Type: 2
Windows License Type: OEM SLP
Windows OS version: 6.1.7600.2.00010300.0.0.003
ID: {91A07C4E-785E-45CE-B468-F2E7DF51BF39}(1)
Is Admin: Yes
TestCab: 0x0
LegitcheckControl ActiveX: N/A, hr = 0x80070002
Signed By: N/A, hr = 0x80070002
Product Name: Windows 7 Home Premium
Architecture: 0x00000009
Build lab: 7600.win7_rtm.090713-1255
TTS Error:
Validation Diagnostic:
Resolution Status: N/A

Vista WgaER Data-->
ThreatID(s): N/A, hr = 0x80070002
Version: N/A, hr = 0x80070002

Windows XP Notifications Data-->
Cached Result: N/A, hr = 0x80070002
File Exists: No
Version: N/A, hr = 0x80070002
WgaTray.exe Signed By: N/A, hr = 0x80070002
WgaLogon.dll Signed By: N/A, hr = 0x80070002

OGA Notifications Data-->
Cached Result: N/A, hr = 0x80070002
Version: N/A, hr = 0x80070002
OGAExec.exe Signed By: N/A, hr = 0x80070002
OGAAddin.dll Signed By: N/A, hr = 0x80070002

OGA Data-->
Office Status: 102
Microsoft Office Home and Student 2007 - 100 Genuine
OGA Version: N/A, 0x80070002
Signed By: N/A, hr = 0x80070002
Office Diagnostics: 77F760FE-153-80070002_7E90FEE8-175-80070002_025D1FF3-364-80041010_025D1FF3-229-80041010_025D1FF3-230-1_025D1FF3-517-80040154_025D1FF3-237-80040154_025D1FF3-238-2_025D1FF3-244-80070002_025D1FF3-258-3_B4D0AA8B-920-80070057

Browser Data-->
Proxy settings: N/A
User Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 8.0; Win32)
Default Browser: C:\Program Files (x86)\Mozilla Firefox\firefox.exe
Download signed ActiveX controls: Prompt
Download unsigned ActiveX controls: Disabled
Run ActiveX controls and plug-ins: Allowed
Initialize and script ActiveX controls not marked as safe: Disabled
Allow scripting of Internet Explorer Webbrowser control: Disabled
Active scripting: Allowed
Script ActiveX controls marked as safe for scripting: Allowed

File Scan Data-->
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\wat\watadminsvc.exe[Hr = 0x80070003]
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\wat\npwatweb.dll[Hr = 0x80070003]
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\wat\watux.exe[Hr = 0x80070003]
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\wat\watweb.dll[Hr = 0x80070003]
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\sppobjs.dll[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x80092003
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\sppc.dll[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x800b0100
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\sppcext.dll[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x800b0100
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\sppwinob.dll[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x80092003
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\slc.dll[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x800b0100
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\slcext.dll[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x800b0100
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\sppuinotify.dll[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x80092003
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\slui.exe[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x80092003
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\sppcomapi.dll[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x800b0100
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\sppcommdlg.dll[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x800b0100
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\sppsvc.exe[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x80092003
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\drivers\spsys.sys[6.1.7127.0], Hr = 0x80092003
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\drivers\spldr.sys[6.1.7127.0], Hr = 0x80092003
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\systemcpl.dll[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x800b0100
File Mismatch: C:\Windows\system32\user32.dll[6.1.7600.16385], Hr = 0x800b0100

Other data-->
Office Details: <GenuineResults><MachineData><UGUID>{91A07C4E-785E-45CE-B468-F2E7DF51BF39}</UGUID><Version>1.9.0027.0</Version><OS>6.1.7600.2.00010300.0.0.003</OS><Architecture>x64</Architecture><PKey>*****-*****-*****-*****-7QJB7</PKey><PID>00359-OEM-8992687-00006</PID><PIDType>2</PIDType><SID>S-1-5-21-4242505754-815930888-816373889</SID><SYSTEM><Manufacturer>Gateway</Manufacturer><Model>SX2801</Model></SYSTEM><BIOS><Manufacturer>AMI</Manufacturer><Version>P01-B2</Version><SMBIOSVersion major="2" minor="6"/><Date>20100324000000.000000+000</Date></BIOS><HWID>65BB3607018400F8</HWID><UserLCID>0409</UserLCID><SystemLCID>0409</SystemLCID><TimeZone>Central Standard Time(GMT-06:00)</TimeZone><iJoin>0</iJoin><SBID><stat>3</stat><msppid></msppid><name></name><model></model></SBID><OEM><OEMID>ACRSYS</OEMID><OEMTableID>ACRPRDCT</OEMTableID></OEM><GANotification/></MachineData><Software><Office><Result>102</Result><Products><Product GUID="{91120000-002F-0000-0000-0000000FF1CE}"><LegitResult>100</LegitResult><Name>Microsoft Office Home and Student 2007</Name><Ver>12</Ver><PidType>19</PidType></Product></Products><Applications><App Id="16" Version="12" Result="100"/><App Id="18" Version="12" Result="100"/><App Id="1B" Version="12" Result="100"/><App Id="A1" Version="12" Result="100"/></Applications></Office></Software></GenuineResults>

Spsys.log Content: 0x80070002

Licensing Data-->
Software licensing service version: 6.1.7600.16385

Name: Windows(R) 7, HomePremium edition
Description: Windows Operating System - Windows(R) 7, OEM_SLP channel
Activation ID: d2c04e90-c3dd-4260-b0f3-f845f5d27d64
Application ID: 55c92734-d682-4d71-983e-d6ec3f16059f
Extended PID: 00359-00178-926-800006-02-1033-7600.0000-2262009
Installation ID: 020420993921419136704464811223879714330163151315931826
Processor Certificate URL: SpcService Web Service
Machine Certificate URL: RacService Web Service
Use License URL: UseLicenseService Web Service
Product Key Certificate URL: PkcService Web Service
Partial Product Key: 7QJB7
License Status: Licensed
Remaining Windows rearm count: 2
Trusted time: 8/10/2015 9:09:51 AM

Windows Activation Technologies-->
HrOffline: 0x00000000
HrOnline: N/A
HealthStatus: 0x0000000000000000
Event Time Stamp: N/A
ActiveX: Not Registered - 0x80040154
Admin Service: Not Registered - 0x80040154
HealthStatus Bitmask Output:


HWID Data-->
HWID Hash Current: LAAAAAEAAQABAAIAAAABAAAAAQABAAEAonYG64SxSCFGU7xPhEhmtQLdRso=

OEM Activation 1.0 Data-->
N/A

OEM Activation 2.0 Data-->
BIOS valid for OA 2.0: yes
Windows marker version: 0x20001
OEMID and OEMTableID Consistent: yes
BIOS Information:
ACPI Table Name OEMID Value OEMTableID Value
APIC 032410 APIC1548
FACP 032410 FACP1548
HPET 032410 OEMHPET
MCFG 032410 OEMMCFG
SLIC ACRSYS ACRPRDCT
OEMB 032410 OEMB1548
GSCI 032410 GMCHSCI
AWMI 032410 OEMB1548
SSDT DpgPmm CpuPm