New
#151
Jokes Thread 2
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New #152
Secret Code
After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president
Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.
They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.
They called all of their contacts in the
media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come
up with an answer.
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled
President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked
him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud ....you're holding it upside down!
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New #156
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.
"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor".
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New #157
Loved it (Secret Code)
We had a local Chinese restaurant, but they went out of business....do you think it could have been because of the spelling? (G and H on the menu)Last edited by Borg 386; 13 Jan 2011 at 10:08.
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New #158
"G" is forgivable, but "H"...
I wish I had kept one, but an old Chinese restaurant I liked back in Virgina had misspellings and bad grammar all over the place. The best part was a section where the printer apparently had some trouble and left himself a note in the description for one dish saying "can't read", which ended up being printed verbatim right in the middle of the blurb for Lemon Chicken.
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New #159
I love this doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - glass of port in one hand - cigarette in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
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