Jokes Thread 2

a bit less pebbly

Nagging Wife

This guys wife has been nagging him for years to take her on vacation to the holy land, so he does. She's nagging and bitching the whole time there when suddenly she up and dies.

The Arrangements Director is talking to the guy and says, " We can have her shipped home for 5000$, or you could have her buried here in the holy land for 150$."

Guy thinks about it for a bit and says, "Send her home."
Director, "Are you sure? Why would you spend 5000$ to send her home when she could be buried HERE, in the magnificient holy land, for 150$??"
Guy, "Well, a long time ago a man died here, was buried, and 3 days later he rose from the grave.
I just can't take that chance......."

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

A woman was shaking out a rug

pebbly




The other one was a stinker!

seavixen32 said:

I always hang a picture of my mother-in-law above the hearth in the living room

I can't stand her, but it does a damn fine job of keeping the kids away from the fireplace.

The old ones are the best

pebbly said:

seavixen32 said:

I always hang a picture of my mother-in-law above the hearth in the living room

I can't stand her, but it does a damn fine job of keeping the kids away from the fireplace.

The old ones are the best

I'm 52 - is that old enough?

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..