Jokes Thread [3]

Wrong Way

Scott and Glenn were working on a house. While nailing down siding Glenn would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

Scott, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Glenn explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

Scott got completely upset and yelled, "You idiot! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Rear View

My nephew works at a copy shop that provides a variety of computer services. Once, a customer brought in a snapshot he had taken of the front of his house.

"Would you scan this picture onto a computer screen"? he asked my nephew.

"Then rotate it 180 degrees. I need a photo of the back of my house."

Cut Off

A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink. Sorry the bartender but you obviously already had a little to much to drink.

Fuming mad the drunk walks out the front door and walks into the side door. “Can I have a drink please.”

“Sorry” the bartender says “but you can’t have a drink here.”

The drink walks out and goes in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink.”

“Enough!” The bartender screamed “I told You No Drinks!”

The Drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaimed “Darn! how many bars you work at?”

This is no joke, it is true !

The Howling Wolves said:

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES


Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.
Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist and then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?



The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

COMPUTIAC said:

This is no joke, it is true !

Ol' Sniffer

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number
and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman,
'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb'

: Excellent joke.