Solved Can someone critique my letter?

[arkhi]

Hi guys! XD I'm writing a letter to our dean because of matters you'll find out when you read the letter. While I was told that the dean is not known to turn down these kinds of requests, ever, I just want to be sure. Are there any mistakes here that I should brush out? Lots of thanks!

Dear Sir,

I am writing you about a conflict with my studies and orders (attached) that were given to me by the U.S. Army, and that I am requesting to be administratively dropped from my courses.

I was recently informed that I am to go to school in Fort Stewart, Georgia this coming April # where I am scheduled to be in training until at least May # which, by that time, school should have already ended.

With the advice of one of my professors, and because of the burden this would cost me, I have concluded that an Incomplete (I) would be too much for me due to the time I would have lost in between my studies and that I should opt for a withdrawal. However, a normal withdrawal might have undesired repercussions brought to me and my financial aid because of matters beyond my control.

I am hoping and I thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

 

[A Guy]

The letter is fine as is, but I'll offer some small changes to hopefully make it flow better.

Dear Sir,

I am writing you about a conflict with my studies and my orders (attached) that were given to me by the U.S. Army. And I am requesting to be administratively dropped from my courses.

I was recently informed that I am to go to school in Fort Stewart, Georgia this coming April # where I am scheduled to be in training until at least May # by which time, school will have already ended.

One of my professors has advised me that an Incomplete (I) would not be desireable for me, and that due to the time I would have lost in between my studies, that I would be better served to opt for a withdrawal.

However, a normal withdrawal might have undesired repercussions on me, and my financial aid, because of matters beyond my control.

I am hoping, and I thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

A Guy

 

[profdlp]

A few additions to underscore the fact that you don't really have any choice in the matter, along with a few grammar tweaks:

Dear Sir,

I am writing you concerning a conflict between my studies and new orders (attached) that were given to me by the U.S. Army. I am requesting to be administratively dropped from my courses.

I was recently informed that I have been ordered to report to Fort Stewart, Georgia this coming April. I am scheduled to be in training until at least May, by which time, school will have already ended.

One of my professors has advised me that an Incomplete (I) would not be desirable for me and that due to the time I will have lost in the interim I would be better served were I to opt for a withdrawal.

However, a normal withdrawal could well have undesired repercussions for me and my financial aid. As this matter is beyond my control, I am requesting an administrative withdrawal to protect both my student aid and my class standing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Thanks for your service and good luck with the training assignment.

 

[whs]

To tell you the truth, I think there are too many words. Executives do not like to read long letters and e.g. the fact that there is an attachement does not have to be mentioned. He will see that anyhow. And you do not have to tell him that the matter is beyond your control. That is obvious. Here is my proposal:

Dear Sir,

I need your permission for an administrative withdrawal from my courses.

I was ordered by the Army to report to Fort Stewart, GA by April, 1. This conflicts with my training curriculum which is scheduled at least until the end of May.

Since a normal withdrawal may have undesired repercussions for me and my financial aid, I am requesting an administrative withdrawal to protect both my student aid and my class standing.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

 

[arkhi]

Thanks for the tip A Guy and profdlp! I have until tomorrow to give it so I will be taking your suggestions!

whs, I was thinking of making a very straight-to-the-point letter, but some examples I read were a bit "flowery". My mom did say I should be more direct. I think your version is what I'm looking for.

Anyway, thank you! Cheers

 

[A Guy]

I like whs's version too

A Guy

 

[profdlp]

I know when I was in the Navy, just about anyone viewed military orders as a slam dunk for requests like this.

Good luck!