Jokes Thread [3]

[solarmystic]

Are You Really Sure?

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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[solarmystic]

Trouble sleeping

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
[/FONT]

 

[solarmystic]

Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

 

[solarmystic]

I often feel guilty

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dumping him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

 

[solarmystic]

What is the time?

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
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[Trucidation]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.
[/FONT]

This had me puzzling for a bit until I realised "Alaska room temperature", d'oh.

-
A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot two things - condoms and dramamine - for the man had the terrible misfortune of getting motion sickness on ships.

So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise, and the man went in to get the necessary supplies. He walked up to the counter with a plenty-pack of condoms and asked for the largest bottle of dramamine available.

The pharmacist looked at him for a second and then asked him, "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"

 

[solarmystic]

It's official : Chemistry lectures are a yawn.

"If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"

It's a question some gents wish they had the answer(s) for.

_

A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.

Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.

The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion . . ."

 

[solarmystic]

Chemist's fast prayer

Dear Lord, if I mix sodium
with concentrated HNO3,
and add to it Plutonium,
would you take care of me?

 

[solarmystic]

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."

 

[solarmystic]

Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."

 

[Kari]

Honestly, quite a distasteful method to increase the post count, I have to say.

Kari

 

[Trucidation]

Eh, I thought they didn't go up in here.

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A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees another guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a very small head. Curious, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body but such a small head?"

The guy replied, "Well, I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."

"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,000."

"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the water near the beach was a 90-foot yacht."

"Finally for my third wish, I wanted to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in those kind of activities." So, I said, "How about a little head?"

 

[Hopalong X]

Honestly, quite a distasteful method to increase the post count, I have to say.

Kari

It is an Olympics year and everyone is going for the gold. :sarc:

 

[BlackSparrow]

It is an Olympics year and everyone is going for the gold.

Well, not exactly everyone...

 

[Tekno Venus]

A joke from my friend:

Congratulations Major Panic, you're being promoted!

(Think Unix/Linux)

 

[Kari]

Today we use more money for Viagra and silicon implants than for Alzheimer research.

This means that in about 30 years from now we all have giant erections and huge tits but we do not remember why.

 

[solarmystic]

Today we use more money for Viagra and silicon implants than for Alzheimer research.

This means that in about 30 years from now we all have giant erections and huge tits but we do not remember why.

Idiocracy (2006) - IMDb

Watch this, and have that sinking feeling that the future you suggested isn't very far off at our current rate of decay.

 

[solarmystic]

A burglar is in big trouble

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

 

[indianacarnie]

Are we seeing history making a full circle ?

This cartoon was in the Chicago Tribune in 1934.
Look carefully at the plan of action in the lower left corner.
View attachment 216535

"Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."
So We return to yesteryear.. We didn't learn the history lesson

Just shows me that "conservatives" haven't changed their rhetoric in 78 years!

 

[F5ing]

Conservative or not, you've got to be amazed at how accurate it is even through to today.