Jokes Thread [3]

[Britton30]

Unfortunately I haven't forgot him yet.

 

[COMPUTIAC]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Grandma's Pie[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Granny Adams made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"

"Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it."

"Okay," I said. "Tell me!"

"Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.

Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full.

Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.

Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!"[/FONT]

 

[richnrockville]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Grandma's Pie[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Granny Adams made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, "How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?"[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well, it's a family secret," she said. "But if you promise not to tell, I'll let you in on it."[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Okay," I said. "Tell me!"[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even. Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it's not too full.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!"[/FONT]

How did you find out how my granma put the nice edge on her pies.

Rich

 

[COMPUTIAC]

I'm guessing they add the extra special flavoring.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

EW!

 

[thudpucker]

What ever happened to the kings thumb?

 

[COMPUTIAC]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Fight[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie, the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Really?" said Charles. "Now, that's a switch! What did she say?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."[/FONT]

 

[richnrockville]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS." Rich

 

[COMPUTIAC]

What Not To Say In A Job Interview

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There was a man who was injured in a horrible accident, but the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual handicap, he was very self-conscious.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small but expanding computer firm. However, he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He liked the guy. His last question for this candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
This guy also noted, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw the second candidate out. [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
The guy replied, "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
Surprised, he asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!" [/FONT]

 

[A Guy]

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

A Guy

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

A Guy

O U C H..... cute joke too.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached
by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle.
"You're bullshitting Me ... You don't even know the way to the Post Office

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Mirror Mirror
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]An old ma[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]n [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!"[/FONT]

 

[thudpucker]

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?


A man was at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."


The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."


"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.


His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"


"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


(I always wondered how this trend got started!)

 

[COMPUTIAC]

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 KENTUCKY EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of KENTUCKY.
If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The KENTUCKY EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN KENTUCKY EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the KENTUCKY EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:

Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the KENTUCKY EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates

 

[Layback Bear]

misser billy boy gates is sure nice folk.

 

[COMPUTIAC]

yep, ain't no REKiN.

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

misser billy boy gates is sure nice folk.

Yup, him's good people!

 

[A Guy]

A local store/business establishment was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read: HELP WANTED!

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

A Guy

 

[Layback Bear]

I like it (meow)