Jokes Thread [3]

[COMPUTIAC]

Secret To A Happy Marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Here's a few in favor of us men...


NICKNAMES
·If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
·If Mike, Dave and Chuck go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
·When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Chuck will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
·A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and
romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO,send this to the women who have a sense of humor



and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

 

[Kari]

Not a joke per se, just a "test" to find out if in you is a secret Finn: If you are Finnish

I especially like this part:

Rudolph the Reindeer is food

You don't consider insects, dogs, cats, monkeys or guinea pigs to be food -- but crayfish and reindeer are. You also know that in order to pass for a good "European", you should* eat frogs, oysters and snails.
Milk comes in cardboard cartons (never in bottles -- and you must go to the shop for it!), and the colour shows how much fat it has. If you are male or over 40 (or under 12), you maybe drink milk at every meal. (And milk means plain milk, not hot milk or some fancy liquid with banana or chocolate flavour.)

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

LOL!

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Until recently, we just asked for separate checks. Now, with so many of my friends under employed or unemployed, I usually pick up the check (I'm not rich but I have a steady income and live well within my means).

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

I've known plenty of cheap men that wouldn't even pay $1 for a $2 item. I'll admit to drooling over sale prices but I won't buy unless I actually need it and can afford it (most of the time).

BATHROOMS
·A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

I know plenty of men with more than six items in the bathroom and women with far less than 337. I personally keep mine under 100.


DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

You haven't been to Wal-Mart lately.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

And work dates, job interviews, court appearances, etc.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

By the time I put my ample asset in bed, I can't get any worse.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED


Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack..
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay..
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.. Tux rental-$100..
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

[ICIT2LOL]

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED


Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack..
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay..
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.. Tux rental-$100..
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

You forgot socks live on the floor
The Christmas pressies all come from one shop and are card shaped
:roflmao:

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Getting Forgetful

Two men were holding up the line outside the turnstyle before a football game, while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail...

“Hang on a minute...,” said the guy at the gate, “...what's that in your mouth?”

“It's the missing ticket!”

As they moved inside his friend said...
”You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!”

“'I'm not that stupid...,” said his friend, “...I was chewing last week's date off it.”

 

[thudpucker]

Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight."

 

[COMPUTIAC]

First Worry

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

 

[COMPUTIAC]

Real Insurance Accident Reports

The truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of it path when it struck my front end.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.

 

[Britton30]

​

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never
driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'​

The driver said,​

'No problem. Have at it.'​

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
down the highway.
A short distance away
sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.​

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.​

The trooper pulled out
and easily caught the limo
and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.​

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
and when the glass
was rolled down,
he was surprised to see
who was driving.​

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
and called his supervisor.​

He told the supervisor,
'I know we are supposed
to enforce the law....
But I also know that
important people are
given certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because
I have stopped a
very important person.'​

The supervisor asked,
'Is it the governor?'​

The young trooper said,
'No, he's more important
than that.'
The supervisor said,
'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said,
'No, he's even more
important than that.'​

The supervisor finally asked,​

'Well then, who is it?'​

The young trooper said,​

'I think it's Jesus,
because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'​

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Great joke Britton 30!
Had seen it before but still a good laugh in times like this.
45 days with NO RAIN!
THW

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Think wisely as these are tough questions...


Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" gray cells active!

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May....What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.....How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?

8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,..."The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [ You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer:Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ....]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.


IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Medical Examination



During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the thing that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

Guess it depends on how you look at it-LOL,

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Medical Examination



During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the thing that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

Guess it depends on how you look at it-LOL,

LPT,
Now that's a mouthful of information!:roflmao::roflmao::devil2:
THW

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

YOU bet it is....

 

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Men don't have that problem because their foot is always in their mouths.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Lady F,
Can't speak for all the men here as my foot is in the way.
Nice comeback!
THW

 

[Britton30]

Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.


Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!


Can you help?

Signed,

Lost

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Dear Lost,

Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 4 more years.


Signed,

Abby

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

BEST of all the BEST yet !!!!!!!... so goes life.