Jokes Thread [3]

[A Guy]

:note: continued from - http://www.sevenforums.com/chillout-room/106614-jokes-thread-2

****** 22 ADULT TRUTHS ******

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger..

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughin'

A Guy

 

[Phone Man]

AMD Bulldozer :haha:

Jim

 

[Layback Bear]

****** 22 ADULT TRUTHS ******
Very good I needed the laugh and I'm not a lady.

 

[vspeck23]

I got told this by a friend only last night and have the feeling i should share it :

I man gets a tattoo of " i love you " on to his Penis , and shows his wife. His wife comments, "so i see your trying to put words in to my mouth again ".

 

[Layback Bear]

I will use that joke, thanks vspeck23

 

[whs]

This is taking it too litteral

 

[NomenUsoris]

Two Icelandic girls were sitting inside, looking at the snow fall outside when one of them says: "Oh, how I would like to be in Paris right now... Imagine sitting at a café, with a smoke and some nice drink in hand, next to the river Nile..." Than the other one cut her off exclaiming: "Nile? You idiot, Nile is in London!"

- - - - - -

This one is no joke, but a funny anecdote. (You have to know that "ey" (pronounced like AY in May) means "island" in Icelandic)

So these two girls in the University of Iceland were talking in the Library about their short assignment on Import/Export. One of them was complaining she didn't know what to write about, when the other one tells her to write about that island they keep talking about in the news, everybody is buying their stuff. She just could not remember the name... They continue talking about some other subject when she suddenly remembers the name, and shouts: "eBay!"

 

[vspeck23]

I will use that joke, thanks vspeck23

Haha no problem

 

[pebbly]

Last week, Mildred checked into a hotel on her70th birthday and she was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone
books for escorts and sensual massages"

She looked through the phone book, found a fullpage ad for a guy
calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver
coin off his well oiled bum.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"



Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I
should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up,cover me in chocolate, syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!!
Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic ma'am, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.

 

[Dwarf]

You're not fantasizing again, are you Mildred Kathleen ? :huh:

 

[pebbly]

:devil2:

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Joke sent by Lady Pinktomato1

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said.
"How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a porch - it's a Lexus

 

[pebbly]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half
an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot..

 

[whs]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little
forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences..'The following day, Mr.
Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy .
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that. Please put your Private Part
back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I
can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that
my Private Part died.'

Yes,' said Nurse Tracy ,
'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?'


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

 

[seavixen32]

A group of scruffy-looking Romany travellers appeared at the Pearly Gates and rang the bell for St. Peter.

When St. Peter arrived, the gypsies explained that although they had done some bad things in their lives they had repented their sins and would dearly love to enter Heaven rather than Hell.

"Wait here," commanded St. Peter, "and I will consult with God on this matter."

With that, he approached God and explained what the problem was.

"Well," said God, "if they have repented, they can enter Heaven."

Half-an-hour later, St. Peter rushed back to God and exclaimed, "They've gone!"

"What, the gypsies?" enquired God.

"No, the Pearly Gates!" replied St. Peter.

 

[Thorsen]

“We don’t serve faster-than-light neutrinos here,” said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

 

[seavixen32]

“We don’t serve faster-than-light neutrinos here,” said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

It took a little while for the penny to drop, but that's a clever one.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

“We don’t serve faster-than-light neutrinos here,” said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

It took a little while for the penny to drop, but that's a clever one.

The penny dropped into the spittoon and I am not going there to fish it out

 

[A Guy]

“We don’t serve faster-than-light neutrinos here,” said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

It took a little while for the penny to drop, but that's a clever one.

It's a thinker!

A Guy

 

[Joan Archer]

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death' <IMG id=ecxyiv510766178MA29056360-0001 alt="Image removed by sender. Thinking smile emoticon" width=19 height=19>

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and Barclay bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
Been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the Barclay Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

Barclay:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Barclay:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Barclay:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
The credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Barclay:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
Being dead?'

Barclay:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Barclay:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Barclay:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

Barclay:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Barclay:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
Can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
Her. I don't think she will care.'

Barclay:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

Barclay:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Finchley Memorial Cemetery , Great North Road , Finchley, London Plot Number
1049.'

Barclay:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]heck do you do with dead people on your planet?'.............. [/FONT]