Jokes Thread [3]

[seavixen32]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

 

[seavixen32]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in the pews and talking when Satan appeared in front of the Altar.

Everyone started screaming and running to the church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the man and asked, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

 

[panais]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in the pews and talking when Satan appeared in front of the Altar.

Everyone started screaming and running to the church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the man and asked, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

 

[pebbly]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.

I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! it's a great morning for sex or golf ' and she said, "Take a sweater.."

 

[pebbly]

He was loving it,.....
....
with a big smile on his face,..........
as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.....
forwards then backwards....

back and forth...

back and forth...

in and out...

in and out...


Her heart was beating faster, her face was getting flush & she started to groan.

Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this f**king car! Why don't you do it, you smug b**tard!!!"...

 

[seavixen32]

Mr Smith went to see his doctor for a check up.

"How are you today, Mr Smith?" asked his doctor.

"I've been feeling very listless and worn out" was the reply.

After a thorough examination, the doctor swung round in his chair and pointedly, "Well, Mr Smith, you've got a real problem."

"Oh," replied Mr Smith, "what's wrong with me?"

"You've got to stop masturbating."

"I have? When?"

"Right now, this minute!"

 

[A Guy]

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

A Guy

 

[BugMeister]

 

[panais]

Mr Smith went to see his doctor for a check up.

"How are you today, Mr Smith?" asked his doctor.

"I've been feeling very listless and worn out" was the reply.

After a thorough examination, the doctor swung round in his chair and pointedly, "Well, Mr Smith, you've got a real problem."

"Oh," replied Mr Smith, "what's wrong with me?"

"You've got to stop masturbating."

"I have? When?"

"Right now, this minute!"

:shock: :roflmao:

 

[seavixen32]

This one from the late, great Tommy Cooper:

A blind bloke walked into a shop with a guide dog.

He picked the dog up and started swinging it around his head.

Alarmed, a shop assistant called out: "Can I help you, sir?"

"No thanks," said the blind bloke. "Just looking around."

 

[The Howling Wolves]

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you...
Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ... I'll see you on the bus!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

 

[panais]

View attachment 186333

Stupid!!
:roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl in a wedding dress about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"So, she... does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" She looks at him coyly and says "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

 

[panais]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl in a wedding dress about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"So, she... does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" She looks at him coyly and says "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[A Guy]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely and I'm sick to death of these apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret..."

"You know, woman to woman."

A Guy

 

[A Guy]

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror".

A Guy

 

[Kari]

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years".

He said "That's a mirror".

A Guy

Oh how well I know that feeling...

 

[seavixen32]

The Royal Shakespeare Company was invited to perform 'Julius Caesar' in New York.

When the play reached its climax and Caesar was stabbed on stage, half the audience left because they didn't want to get involved.

 

[Thorsen]

Here ya go Bill to counter that joke:

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"


Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."


God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."


Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"


God said, "One of your arms, your feet and your left testicle..."








Adam said, "Wow! um....what can I get for a rib?"