Jokes Thread [3]

[seavixen32]

Pebbly, you're too much!

See what you started? Everyone's doing it now.



You might be getting a call from Transport for London - they're after good drivers!

 

[Phone Man]

Pebbly, you're too much!

See what you started? Everyone's doing it now.

View attachment 188609

You might be getting a call from Transport for London - they're after good drivers!

The only problem is she has to be drinking and can only drive the one route from the pub to home. (d)

Jim

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Finally, a word to describe Obama and his voters.

Ineptocracy (in-ep-toc’-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.

 

[Maguscreed]

Finally, a word to describe Obama and his voters.

Ineptocracy (in-ep-toc’-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.

There's one thing a lot of people don't seem to realize that I think needs more attention. For every 12 dollars we put into welfare barely a dollar of it actually makes it to the end of the line. The rest of the money is all used supporting the massive bureaucracy that has built up around the welfare system.

...so once again it's not the poor... it's the government...

 

[Hopalong X]

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight will surprise you!
While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.
Don't change horses​

until they stop running.​

2.
Strike while the​

bug is close.​

3.
It's always darkest before​

Daylight Saving Time.​

4.
Never underestimate the power of​

termites.​

5.
You can lead a horse to water but​

how?​

6.
Don't bite the hand that​

looks dirty.​

7.
No news is​

impossible.​

8.
A miss is as good as a​

Mr.​

9.
You can't teach an old dog new​

math.​

10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll​

stink in the morning.​

11.
Love all, trust​

me.​

12.
The pen is mightier than the​

pigs.​

13.
An idle mind is​

the best way to relax.​

14.
Where there's smoke there's​

pollution.​

15.
Happy the bride who​

gets all the presents.​

16.
A penny saved is​

not much.​

17.
Two's company, three's​

the Musketeers.​

18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what​

you put on to go to bed.​

19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and​

you have to blow your nose.​

20.
There are none so blind as​

Stevie Wonder.​

21.
Children should be seen and not​

spanked or grounded.​

22.
If at first you don't succeed​

get new batteries.​

23.
You get out of something only what you​

see in the picture on the box.​

24.
When the blind lead the blind​

get out of the way.​

25.
A bird in the hand​

is going to poop on you.​

And the WINNER and last one!​

26.
Better late than​

pregnant.​

​

​

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Some Mornings I wake up Grumpy, Other days I let her sleep.

Fat Women are like Scooters, Fun to ride but you would not like your friends to see you with one.

Got permission to post here from the boys at Triumph Talk..............Motor bike club

 

[pebbly]

Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4
minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.

And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderfull...


Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
! - So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shaxxed and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I
switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fusebox, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earfull... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f * cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing...

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Another .... award for Pebbly!
Wonder where she gets all these jokes from or are these from her past experiences?
THW

 

[pebbly]

Shhhh

 

[panais]

Shhhh

Shhhhh.....

 

[Maguscreed]

lol guess I should withhold the joke I was about to post...

 

[panais]

This is for Kathryn.

Good Girls Go to Heaven Bad Girls Go Everywhere!!

 

[seavixen32]

A little girl had just finished her first week at school.

'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.

'I can't read. I can't write and they won't even let me talk!'

 

[GamePlanner]

Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

 

[Qdos]

I think this page will raise a few laughs (apologies if it's ever been posted before...)

http://www.lookitsme.co.uk/404_me

Another similar one here... slightly more subtle!

http://www.acm.uiuc.edu/siggraph/eoh_projects/eoh2002.html

 

[pebbly]

Not me personally, but this lawyer I know invites his cousin from the Czech Republic to come and stay with him in Canada. The Czech cousin arrives, determined to enjoy himself. Soon they decide to go rambling. They're right out in the middle of the forest when a big grizzly bear appears. The bear hugs the poor Czech cousin to death and then eats him.The lawyer runs to the nearest village and tells everybody what has happened. The villagers form a search party and return to the forest. They come across some bears and ask the lawyer to identify the one that killed his cousin.

"It's that male bear over there."

They kill the bear and rip open his stomach, but there is nothing there. They decide to kill the female bear nearby, and when they rip open her stomach, they find the poor Czech cousin.

So it all goes to show: "Never trust a lawyer when he says the cheque is in the mail

 

[pebbly]

LANGUAGE JOHNNY!!!

Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him and if Johnny swore he should leave a pile of dog s**t in place of the gift. So two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a f*****g teddy-bear laying right f*****g here beside me when I f*****g wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a f*****g train going around the f*****g tree, and when I go outside I want to see a f*****g bike leaning up against the f*****g garage."

On Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog s**t. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog s**t around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog s**t by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a f*****g dog but I can't find the b*****d”.

 

[GamePlanner]

Nice updates Guys
Given a good laugh

 

[Phone Man]

A guy moves to Alaska and his co-workers tells him he has to pass three tests to be become a true Alaskan.

1) Drink a bottle of whiskey
2) Make love to an Eskimo woman
3) Kill a Grizzly bear.

So he drinks the whiskey and then heads out of the cabin. He returns a couple hours later all cut up and his cloths are all ripped.

He then asks his friends, where is this Eskimo woman he is suppose to kill.

Jim

 

[pebbly]

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car primarily aimed at female drivers.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It only comes in pink, hence the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is…. and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real pig to start in the morning. Some have reported that on a cold winters’ morning… “when you really need it….you can't get the bitch to turn over for love nor money”

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have ‘curb appeal’ and reasonably price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age making the tyres bulge and the steering dodgy. Consumer report a “terrible ride and a complete loss of control after the honeymoon period”

The manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but have concluded “it’s the paint may just make it look bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status....and is a ******* to park level with the curb..!!



Male owners are advised not to even countenance “ownership”. It’s far better to lease one….and replace it annually with a new model.