Jokes Thread [3]

[BugMeister]

Cat Bathing

:roflmao:

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Women Are Like Apples :~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
------------------Women--------------
-------------are like apples----------
---------on trees. The best ones-----
-------are at the top of the tree.------
------The men dont want to reach----
----for the good ones because they ----
--are afraid of falling and getting hurt--
-Instead, they just get the rotten apples-
--from the ground that arent as good, --
but easy. So the apples at the top think-
something is wrong with them, when in-
--reality, theyre amazing. They just-----
---have to wait for the right man to------
----- come along, the one whos--------
----------- brave enough to--------------
-----------------climb all---------------
----------------- the way----------------
-----------------to the top--------------
---------------- of the tree!------------
Author:unknown

 

[The Howling Wolves]

More truth than a Joke..

Subject: Gun ownership



You may have heard on the news about a southern California man
put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found
he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate)
1-million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also
featured a secret escape tunnel.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has
about a million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it
as a "massive" weapons cache.

By southern California standards someone even owning
100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable". Just imagine if
he lived elsewhere:

In Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector".

In Arkansas , he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd
probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a
corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana , he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho , he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming , he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

And, in Texas , he'd be called a "deer hunting buddy".

 

[Hopalong X]

In the states of New York and Massachusetts he would be serving a "Life" sentence for gun possession......after a trial of course.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Inner Peace

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today... A Dr on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start, & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

 

[pebbly]

Inner Peace

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today... A Dr on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start, & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

:roflmaod) Verry good THW

 

[panais]

Inner Peace

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today... A Dr on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start, & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

:roflmao:

 

[Kari]

Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

Had to translate this to Finnish and post on our family forums.

Kari

(Finnish version:

Sisäinen rauha.

Jaan tämän kanssanne koska tämä toimii... Joku tohtori sanoi joskus että saavuttaaksemme sisäisen rauhan meidän tulisi aina saattaa päätökseen alottamamme asiat, ja voisimme siten rauhoittua elämässämme. Katsoin ympärilleni ajatellessani mitä olin viime aikoina aloittanut mutta en saattanut päätökseen. Niinpä saatoin päätökseen aloittamani pullon Laphroiagia, ja pullon LAgavulinia, jonkun rommipulson, låpåt kippuläkkket, vatsa altetum gäljakorpim jats pljomuuta.Teil eeol pikustakkk gäzizdyst kus hyvö mä tuntu nytte. Jaa täts keikul kus trvits säsäsäly rauhm.Jes.)

 

[A Guy]

Had to steal this and post it on another forum

A Guy

 

[The Howling Wolves]

HERE'S YOUR CHUCKLE FOR TODAY.....
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause
she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't
understand.
Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
You gotta love this: The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

 

[Qdos]

'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

 

[Joan Archer]

HERE'S YOUR CHUCKLE FOR TODAY.....
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause
she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't
understand.
Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
You gotta love this: The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

:roflmao:

 

[pebbly]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like s**t!"

Then I would say, "It is s**t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

 

[boohbah]

I would like to share an experience with you, it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years. The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming too much wine, and knowing full well that I was wasted, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yes, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was really a surprise to me since I had never driven a bus before.

mind you i had a stinker of a hangover

 

[MWRed]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like s**t!"

Then I would say, "It is s**t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Even though i've read that before, it's still funny as hell. Sick and demented, but funny.

 

[pebbly]

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

 

[Hopalong X]

Pebbly

The dentist will see you now!

 

[The Howling Wolves]

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'

- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

 

[dreamer]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.


She says hello.


He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.


So he says, 'Do you know me?'


To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

 

[dreamer]

One blonde tells another blonde: "I've done a pregnancy test."
Asks the other blonde: "And, were the questions difficult?"
:roflmao: