Jokes Thread [3]

[seavixen32]

Although it's rather wicked I can't stop smiling at this one.

Just after the Japanese tsunami a young man opened a new restaurant.

When asked how trade was and how many customers he was getting he replied: "Trade's fine. The customers are flooding in!"

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Sex and Good Grammar
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man handed a potion to him and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned: “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’” When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

[LADYPINKtomato1]

Never Jump to conclusions !!!‏

After finishing her shift as a nurse ..... A wife ... comes home late at night
and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket
she sees four legs instead of two!
She reaches for a baseball bat
and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done,
she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters,
she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi sweetheart," he says,
"your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom.


Did you say hello to them" ?

 

[panais]

Never Jump to conclusions !!!‏

After finishing her shift as a nurse ..... A wife ... comes home late at night
and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket
she sees four legs instead of two!
She reaches for a baseball bat
and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done,
she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters,
she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi sweetheart," he says,
"your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom.


Did you say hello to them" ?

Oops! :shock:

 

[beauparc]

From the depths of the crypt at St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the Vicar, "Good Gracious,
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles"

 

[Hopalong X]

As we are all getting older, I would like to inform my friends on new acronyms so we can understand each other.

ATD – at the doctor

BFF – best friend fell

BTW – bring the wheel chair

BYOT – bring your own teeth

FWIW – forgot where I was

LMDO – laughing my dentures out

ROFLACGU – rolling on the floor laughing and can’t get up

TTML – talk to me louder

T4M – time 4 meds

PMA – pissed myself again

SHTTF – shouldn’t have trusted that fart

 

[pebbly]

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty…………………

Say two Hail Marys!

 

[seavixen32]

TTFN - ta ta for now

ASMZF - anyone seen my zimmer frame

WMCOT - where's my cup of tea

PAAF - pissed as a fart

YRN - your round next

SILD, IFITD - sorry I'm late dear, I fell in the ditch

WFT - what's for supper

ACOYBROT - any chance of you being ready on time

YTFTWU - your turn for the washing up

IDSYMIAOC - I didn't say your mother is an old crone

 

[The Howling Wolves]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

 

[Layback Bear]

Howling Wolves; she must of been English.

 

[The Howling Wolves]

Subject: A SENIOR MOMENT


Semper Fi

Several days ago as I left a church meeting, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice, “CHARLEY,” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

 

[pebbly]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London ..

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

 

[Layback Bear]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London ..

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

For sure I will take this one to the V.F.W.
We do have a few Irishman.

 

[seavixen32]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London ..

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

:roflmao::roflmao:

 

[seavixen32]

1st Agent - 'I know the name of the top woman agent we've been seeking.'

2nd Agent - 'Tell me her name, please.'

1st Agent - 'Chantelle.'

2nd Agent - 'Why not? I did ask you nicely.'

 

[A Guy]

1st Agent - 'I know the name of the top woman agent we've been seeking.'

2nd Agent - 'Tell me her name, please.'

1st Agent - 'Chantelle.'

2nd Agent - 'Why not? I did ask you nicely.'

Take the badge back!

A Guy

 

[seavixen32]

My wife laughed at it, but then she's not a very good judge of anything. I know that to be true because she married me!

Send the badge back? Never, it's my pride and joy.

 

[panais]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London ..

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

:roflmao:

 

[Joan Archer]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London ..

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

:roflmao:

 

[cyclic]

I don't know why people mock the Irish after all they are sending a rocket to the moon............................as soon as they find a bottle big enough to put the stick in!